School — most viewed jokes

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"

Should you have any questions during the exam,just raise your hand. This should cause enoughblood to flow to your brain to answer it yourself.

Three college roommates -- two females and a male -- began to argue after dinner about whose turn it was to do the dishes.

"All right," one of the girls said, "the first one to speak has to do them."

The trio retired to the living room to watch TV. When their neighbor, a school football star, came by, the three remained silent. The visitor shrugged and led one of the girls into her bedroom.

Forty-five minutes later, the young man emerged and approached the second girl. Through sign language, they agreed to adjourn to her bedroom.

When he came out, he began to fix himself a cup of tea but burned his fingers on the stove.

"Hey, where's some petroleum jelly?" he hollered from the kitchen.

"Oh, hell!" the male roommate said, jumping up. "I'll do the dishes."

The Net is Slow

Oh, the network outside is frightful,
But on campus, it's so delightful,
Our packets have nowhere to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

It doesn't show signs of stopping,
All our packets, our hosts are dropping;
Bandwidth is turned way down low,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

When we finally connect to a site,
It's time to go back to the dorm;
But if I could stay here all night,
I could submit their Web form.

The network is slowly dying,
And, I fear, we're still denying,
But as long as Sprint is the way to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice: "Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare."

Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said: "Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit... Horseshit... Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!"

- Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn't do?

- Teacher: Of course not!

- Boy: Good, cause I didn't do my homework!

"That's an excellent essay for someone your age," said the English teacher.

"How about for someone my Mum's age, Miss?"

"Welcome to school, Simon," said the nursery school teacher to the new boy.
"How old are you?" "I'm not old," said Simon. "I'm nearly new."

Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine.
"How old are you, ma'am?" asked Fred.
"I'm not going to tell you that," she replied.
"But Mr Hill the technical teacher and Mr Hill the geography teacher told me how old they were."

"Oh well," said Miss Jones. "I'm the same age as both of them."
The poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote:
Miss Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as the Hills.

"Now remember, boys and girls," said the science teacher, "you can tell a tree's age by counting the rings in a cross section. One ring for each year."
Fred went home for tea and found a chocolate roll on the table.
"I'm not eating that, Mum!" she said. "It's five years old."

- Grandma: You've left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate every one.

- Fred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma?

- Grandma: Yes, I do.

- Fred: Well, you can have mine.

- How old is your wife?

- Approaching forty.

- From which direction?

An eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was correct that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday.

"That's right," said the old man. "Ninety-nine years old, and I haven't an enemy in the world. They're all dead."

"Well, sir," said the interviewer, "I hope very much to have the honour of interviewing you on your hundredth birthday."

The old man looked at the young man closely, and said, "I can't see why you shouldn't. You look fit and healthy to me!"

Some professions

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

- Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".

- Little Johnny: I is...

- Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say "I am."

- Little Johnny: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

- Teacher: Why are you late?

- Little Johnny: Because of the sign.

- Teacher: What sign?

- Little Johnny: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." That's what I did.