Religion — most viewed jokes

What do you call the queue of Software Engineers standing outside Heaven?
→ The Y2K deadline!

What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
→ Ruthless

What do they call pastors in Germany?
→ German Shepherds.

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
→ Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
→ Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
→ Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.

David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
→ Samson. He brought the house down.

What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
→ Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
→ Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
→ The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
→ David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Which Bible character had no parents?
→ Joshua, son of Nun.

How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish?
→ When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him.

A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end...

"And lead us not into temptation",

she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."

Dear Heavenly Father,
I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. Praise Your Name! I'm grateful for Your grace...

But Lord, a few minutes from now, I'm getting out of bed... From then on I'm going to need a lot MORE of Your help!

Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
→ The area around the Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His work mates were understandably curious:

"Jack, what happened to you?!?"

"It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the ass of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn't like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!"

"Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?"

"Naw... After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack -- so I tried to poke it back in."

One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark.

He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was.

She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn't want to go out to get the broom.

His mother smiled and said 'The Lord is out there too, don't be afraid'. The little boy opened the back door a little and said 'Lord if you're out there, hand me the broom'.

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. Greeting him the Lord says, "You've lived a good life. If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."

The cat thinks for a minute and says "Well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor..." The Lord stops the cat and says "Say no more!" Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap.

A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to heaven. The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer: "All of our lives we've been chased. We've had to run from cats, from tractors, even from that farmer's wife with her broom. We're tired of running..." "Say no more!" The Lord replies. In a flash, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and they skate happily off to explore the Heavenly landscape.

About a week later The Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing away. He gently wakes the cat and asks, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches, yawns, and replies "Oh, it is wonderful here. I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those Meals On Wheels you've been sending are the BEST!!!"