Religion — most viewed jokes

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."

A fire chief died and went to heaven. When he got there he saw a long line waiting to get in to the pearly gates.
He told himself, "I'm a fire chief, I'm not going to wait in line."

He went to the angels guarding the gates and said, "Let me in. I'm a fire chief." The angels replied, "You'll have to wait in line like everyone else, sir."

While waiting at the back of the line he saw a sedan pull up with red lights and a man got out wearing a white helmet that said "CHIEF". The angels popped to attention and let the chief enter heaven. The waiting fire chief was pissed and went to talk to the angels.

He asked, "Why did you let that fire chief go through and not me?" To which the angels replied, "You have it all wrong, sir. That's God, he just thinks he's a Fire Chief."

What happened when the cannibal bit off a missionary's ear?
→ He had his first taste of Christianity!

A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him. As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again. This really angered the American.

After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear.. "I thought I told you yesterday to get the f**k out of here."

Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
→ In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

Jesus and Satan have an extended argument as to who is the better computer programmer. Finally, they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin programming. Typing furiously for several hours, they enter lines of code streaming across the screen.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest has ended.

God asks Satan to show what he has done. Satan is visibly upset and cries, "I have done nothing! The power outage destroyed all of my work!" "Very well, then," says God, "let us see how Jesus fared." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid displays of 3-D color. The voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is stunned and stutters, "But how?! How did he do that?!"

God chuckles, "Jesus Saves!"

God is sitting up in his ivory tower, he's had enough of the pressures and stresses of being the number one, so he's decided to go on holiday. He calls all his super-being mates up and they pop around to discuss a few suggestions. "What about Mars," says one of them. "Nah I went there 15,000 years ago," says God, "it was shit, no atmosphere and too dusty." "What about Pluto," suggests another. "Nah I went there about 10,000 years ago," says God. "Fucking freezing it was too." "What about Mercury," says another. "It's nice but I went there about 5,000 years ago, I nearly burnt me bollox off it was that hot, never again," says God. "What about Earth then," suggests another. "You must be joking," says God, "I went there about 2,000 years ago, knocked up some Jewish bird, and they're still bloody talking about it."

Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked the first one why he should be let into heaven.

The doctor said, "Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work."

The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came. He said, "I haven't won any prizes, but I've started free clinics and helped those in need for free." St. Peter let him in.

The third doctor said, "I'm responsible for all the HMO's across the United States."

St. Peter thought about it for a minute and said, "OK... I'll let you in, but only for three days!"

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed to say only two words every 7 years.

After the first 7 years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his 2 words.

"Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. 7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words. He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. 7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words. "I quit," he says.

"That's not surprising," the elders say... "You've done nothing but complain since you've been here!"

A minister gave a talk to the Lion's Club on sex.

When he got home he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice.

The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off!"