Religion — most viewed jokes

The priest leaned closer to hear the girl's confession. "So me and my cousin were alone in the house," she continued, "and went up to my bedroom..."

"Go on, my child," said the priest gently.

"I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his hand on my....on my..."

"Go on."

"On my pussy," stammered the girl, blushing behind the screen.

"And touched me and touched me until I couldn't help myself."

"Yes, go on," the priest directed.

"I pulled down his pants and his cock popped out, stiff and tall," the girl went on, with a little whimper of shame, "and he began to shove it in me so hard..."

"Yes, yes... Go on," he urged, breathing hard.

"And then we heard the front door slam--"

"Oh, SHIT!!!!

Farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his sheep when the local minister comes walking around the corner.

The minister says, "My, Farmer Petrovich, you're certainly giving that sheep a beating. You wouldn't do that to your wife, would you?"

The farmer says, "I would if she farted and jumped sideways every time I tried to mount her!"

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away." Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away." The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"

A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD" printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk.

The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do", and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.

The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm damn sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."

Did you hear about the dyslectic agnostic with insomnia?
→ He used to lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

(This joke requires the use a small visual. I'll describe the visual first, then as I tell the joke I'll cue you when to use it)

Visual: Stretch your arms straight out sideways with hands also stretched wide open.

Why did the blonde want to date Jesus?
→ She heard he was (use visual) HUNG LIKE THIS!!!!

There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to the Pope. It was stormy outside, and the plane was being rocked by some severe turbulence. So this kindly old lady looked upon Death's door, and said to her papal neighbour. 'Father, surely you can do something about this...'

To which the Pope replied, 'Sorry lady, I'm in sales, not management.'

This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would spend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house, he was told that the only way he could play today was if he was willing to play along with three nuns. He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first hole he said, after you, and the nuns insisted that he go first. He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker.

"Goddammit!" he said.

"Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of language around us." said the nun. "I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again." The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twenty yards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them. "Well shit, Goddamn, hell, fuck!" exclaims the nun. "Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man. "Yeah, well, you didn't hit a fuckin' tree."

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?" "No," her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked. "Yes," the little girl replied. "Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied. "They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."

Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies. They ran out of gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline. "I'm sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamberpot." The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car.

As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."