Religion — most viewed jokes

Why wasn't Jesus born in America?
→ They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

One Sunday, the pope REALLY wanted to play golf.

But he couldn't, since it was Sunday. But he figured, well, it's ok if i just play a little bit.

So he changed clothes and went out into the green.

Up in heaven an angel saw him and reported it to Jesus. However, Jesus didn't do anything when he told him. "Aren't you going to punish him?" he asked Jesus. "Yes, just wait." he replied.

Just then the pope hit a beautiful hole in one.

"Well, that's not a punishment!" the angel said in disgust.

"Who is he going to tell?"

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?" by Woody Allen.

The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable. The three of them decide to duck inside.

On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway. "Jesus Christ!" he says.

Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell of a lot better than Clyde!"

A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could. 'God,' he prayed, 'I really want a car.' Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty. 'God,' he prayed again, 'I really NEED a car.' Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom of his closet. 'Okay, God,' he said, getting down onto his knees again, 'if you ever want to see your mother again...'

A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell...the nut has gone to heaven."

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

- Priest: Is that you, Tommy?

- Tommy: Yes father, it's me.

- Priest: Who was the woman you were with?

- Tommy: I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation.

- Priest: Was it Brenda O'Malley?

- Tommy: No, father.

- Priest: Was it Fiona MacDonald?

- Tommy: No.

- Priest: Was it Ann Brown?

- Tommy: No.

- Priest: Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?

- Tommy: No, father.

- Priest: Was it Amy Thomas?

- Tommy: No, father.

- Priest: Was it little Cathy Morgan?

- Tommy: NO father! I cannot tell you.

- Priest: Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four 'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your seat.

Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers, "What happened?!"

"Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys, and six good leads."

What do you give the paedophile who has everything?
→ Another parish

A whole gaggle of Jewish ladies at a party were discussing the problem of one of their daughters, who looked very much as though she were planning to marry a Gentile boy. Everyone was disturbed about it, and I could not help interrupting.

"Why not?" said I. "Let her marry a Gentile boy. I'm all in favor of Jewish girls marrying Gentile boys."

"Why?" chorused the women.

And I said, "Because why should the Jewish boys have all the bad luck?"