Religion — most viewed jokes

How do you tell if you are in a gay church?
→ Only half the congregation is kneeling.

The church was conducting its annual fund drive. One member of the congregation said, "I give ten dollars." Just then, a piece of plaster fell from the ceiling and landed on his head. He spoke up again quickly. "I give a thousand dollars!"

The minister said, "Lord, hit him again!"

Satan was complaining bitterly to God, "You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"

And so God created lawyers.

Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper. "Gladly," responded the good man. When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the "appreciation" column. There he read: "The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."

A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: "Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates."

"BASTARD!" cried the Mother Superior. "For years he told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it."

How do you know a Brigham Young student's been mowing the lawn?
→ The welcome mat is destroyed.

Two nuns go to a restaurant to have dinner. They notice Rocky Mountain Oysters on the menu and wondered what that was.

They ask the waiter who replies "Oh Sister, those are nuts." She answers "Do you mean like the kind you crack with a rock?"

"No. The kind you rock on a crack."

On the airplane on his way back to Rome, the Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. After a while, he turned to the bishop sitting next to him and said, "What's a four-letter word ending in "unt" which means "woman"?"

The bishop said, "Did you try "aunt"?"

The Pope said, "Mmmm. Do you have an eraser?"

• AMEN The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
• BULLETIN Your receipt for attending Mass.
• CHOIR A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
• HYMN A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
• RECESSIONAL HYMN The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
• INCENSE Holy Smoke!
• JUSTICE When kids have kids of their own.
• PEW A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
• RECESSIONAL The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
• RELICS People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
• TEN COMMANDMENTS The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
• USHERS The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

What language do the Vatican Police speak?
→ Pig Latin!