Religion — most viewed jokes

There was this hooker who mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him. The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiable victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?"

The hooker replied, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's "really" original, it'll cost you an extra $20."

Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in walks a Nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.

Astonished, one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got rat-arsed."

Being quick on the uptake the second one says, "My dad says he will marry my mum next year."

Despite this the Nun stays right where she is.

In desperation the third one says, "My old man will never ever marry my mum."

The Nun looks up from her food and says, "Would one of you bastards please pass the salt."

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City.

He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38. Under the G, 54. Under the O, 72. . ."

A man went to the doctor for a check up. "How do you feel?" asked the doctor. "Fine." he replied. After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, "How many times do you have sex per month?" "About two or three." the man replied. "You should be doing better than that." the doctor offered. "Take these pills and come back in a month." The man did and a month later he was again asked by the doctor, "How many times did you have sex last month?" "About two or three times." the man answered again. "I can't understand it," the doctor continued, "you should be doing much better than that." "I don't know," replied the man, "that's not bad for having no car and a small parish."

In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.

Since then, weddings have been held there, and times haven't changed at all!

Des Moines, Iowa:
A repentant burglar returned his loot to its owners, along with a note explaining why: "My priest said I done a wrong."

More than $200, a pair of sunglasses and some golf balls were found Monday morning on the steps of Potthoff Foods Incorporated, a meat wholesaler.

"He took my sunglasses, but I didn't know he took them until I got them back this morning," sales representative Phil Barber said. "You know, I don't think something like this happens that often. It's sort of neat. The guy did wrong, but he tried to make it right."

The break-in at Potthoff's happened late Friday or early Saturday. The thief pried open a door and rummaged through some desks.

Potthoff officials said they're not going to depend on the honesty of thieves' nature in the future.

"We are adding an extra security system today," Barber said.

And Jesus said unto his disciples, "Whom do men say that I am?"

And His disciples answered unto Him, "Master, thou art the supreme eschatological manifestation of omnipotent ecclesiastical authority, the absolute, divine, sacerdotal monarch."

And Jesus said, "What?"

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo. The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars, lept to the ground and kissed her. Then he went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest. The nouns met again a week later and one of the nouns asked her friend, "I have one question.

Did he sent flowers afterwards...?"