Religion — most viewed jokes

There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn't need him anymore.

One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed.

The scientist says to God - "God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and I've come to tell you that we really don't need you anymore. I mean, we've been coming up with great theories and ideas, we've cloned sheep, and we're on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don't need you."

God nods understandingly and says. "I see. Well, no hard feelings. But before you go let's have a contest. What do you think?"

The scientist says, "Sure. What kind of contest?"

God: "A man-making contest."

The scientist: "Sure! No problem".

The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says, "Okay, I'm ready!"

God replies, "No, no, no... You go get your own dirt."

Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
→ David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

• Newspaper
• Other Book
• Television
• Divine Inspiration
• Word of mouth
• Near Death Experience
• Bible
• Other
• Torah (specify): _____________

2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

• Tarot
• Lottery
• Horoscope
• Television
• Fortune cookies
• Ann Landers
• Self-help books
• Sex
• Biorhythms
• Alcohol or drugs
• Mantras
• Other: ________________________________________
• Insurance policies
• None

3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know

4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war) 1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets) 1 2 3 4 5

5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary).

About two weeks before Christmas, a little Catholic boy decided to write a letter to Santa. He started "Dear Santa...", he thought "No, I will go to a higher authority", so he decided to write a letter to Jesus.

"Dear Jesus, If you get me a bike for Christmas, I will be good for two weeks.."

"NO NO NO NO I can't be good for two weeks", he thought to himself.

So he started all over again...

"Dear Jesus, If you get me a bike for Christmas I will be good for one week."

"NO NO NO NO I can't be good for one week", he thought to himself.

So he quickly ran to the Study room and grabbed their statue of Mary, and quickly wrapped it up in a blanket.

He started all over again.

"Dear Jesus, I have your mother...if you ever want to see her again...get me a bike for Christmas!"

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

- Mommy, can we leave now?

- No.

- Well, I think I have to throw up!

- Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

- Did you throw up?

- Yes.

- Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?

- I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'.

What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
→ A pair of Re-bachs.

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."

"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."

A few moments later a second man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."

"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."

A few moments later a third man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."

"Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you?"

A woman was getting married. She entered the church wearing a black wedding gown that surprised everyone.

The pastor was a bit annoyed and asked her, "Why are you dressed up in black?"

The woman replied, "Well, that's because I'm not a virgin."

A man who went to Church with his wife fell was always falling asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off.

As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.." She poked her husband who then came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God all mighty".

The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins..." the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ".

The Minister said "that's right, That's Right" and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child" the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off"!