Relationships — most viewed jokes

What's the major cause of divorce?
→ Once is not enough.

I Still Miss My Ex..

But My Aim Is Getting Better!

An accountant decided to leave his wife one day.

He left her a note saying: "Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So I'm leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. We'll be staying at the Sheraton."

He then packed his things and went there. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read: "Dear John. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And I'm sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!"

A black couple we're invited to a Halloween party and were trying to decide what to dress up as.

The wife says, "how about Hanzel and Gretel?"

Nah...they were white, her husband replied.

Ok, how about Raggedy Ann and Andy?

No way! They're white too and have huge ugly freckles!

So the wife tells her husband to think of something since he always has a smart remark for her choices.

So he thinks a bit and then pops up - " I got it! ".

We'll go as Heshey Bars!

"Heshey bars?" replies his wife..."are you nuts!"

Exactly! One with nuts, and one without!

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. "What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively. "Well," he mused, "I'd have to say that you're a lesbian!"

Fred's new girlfriend uses such greasy lipstick that he has to sprinkle his face with sand to get a better grip.

Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings:

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.

After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell till I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.

Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"

"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"

A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's activities. A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," said the distraught husband.

"What's not to believe?" the detective said. "It's right up there on the screen!"

"I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun!" the husband replied.

Men are like high heels.

They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

- Fred keeps telling me that he's going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world.

- Oh, what a shame! And you've been engaged for such a long time!