Relationships — most viewed jokes

When He Says - He Really Means

• Do you have the time? - to go to bed
• Hello - Let's cut the talk and go have sex.
• How are you? - in bed, I mean.
• I'd like a discreet relationship. - I want sex, but I'm married.
• I'll be out of town for a few days. - I'll be spending time with with the wife.
• I'm a novelist. - I have 10 unpublished books.
• I'm coming off a long relationship. - My wife is divorcing me.
• I'm consulting. - I'm looking for a job.
• I'm divorced. - I just slipped off my wedding ring.
• I'm in television. - I fix them.
• I'm involved in banking. - I'm a bank guard.
• I'm self-employed. - I just got fired.
• I'm sorry I flirted with your sister. - I'm sorry I got caught.
• I'm thinking of relocating. - I can't find a job locally in this town.
• I can't leave my wife just yet..soon. - Be patient forever.
• I enjoy reading. - Playboy and Penthouse.
• I have the Midas touch. - I install mufflers.
• I like a woman who is intelligent. - As long as she acts like I'm smarter.
• I love opera. - I want sex, but I've seen an opera once.
• I play the market. - Safeway
• I work high up in an executive office. - I'm a window washer.
• I work with computers. - I'm a cashier at a gas station.
• Looking for a satisfying relationship. - I want sex.
• My business is really hot right now! - I hand out towels in a steam room.
• My job keeps me running. - I'm a messenger.
• My wife and I are separated. - She's at home and I'm here at the bar.

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriend Plus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiance 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiance 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger: has taken up all his space.

Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything and seems to conflict/interfere with other tasks running such as hockey 2.1, squash 3.01 and boys out 1.2. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife 1.0 came with auto-installed Plug-Ins such as Mother In Law and Brother In Law.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...

• A "Don't remind me again" button
• Minimize button
• Shutdown feature
• An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
• "Abort" button (O.K. that one's pretty bad - but had to say it)

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

BUG WARNING

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. Wife 1.0 will then spawn off the virus Lawyer 6.66 which, when activated, consumes all available resources and brings your system to it's knees. The funny thing is, if you try to hide Mistress 1.1 in high memory, Wife 1.0 will eventually detect it and begin the process described above.

A blonde complained to her friend, "I can never trust my boyfriend. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his!"

17. "I finished the Oreo's."
18. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
19. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."
20. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."
21. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."
22. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
23. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
24. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
25. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
26. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
27. "Get your own ice cream."
28. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
29. "Got milk?"
30. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
31. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
32. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant..

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

- I'd love you to stay the night, but I'm afraid you'll have to make your own bed.

- Oh, that's all right, I don't mind at all.

- Right. Here's a hammer, a saw, and some nails. The wood's in the garage.

I have four legs, but only one foot. What am I?
→ A bed

How does the single woman get rid of roaches?
→ She asks them for a commitment.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonnette
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. - Henry Youngman
It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week. - Laurence J. Peter
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? - Unknown
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? - Lily Tomlin
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock. - John Barrymore
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. - Robert Frost
A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know. - Mistinguette
Absence -- that common cure of love. - Miguel De Cervantes

One blond says to another, "How did you die?"

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity ... if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

What did the cannibal's parents say when she brought her boyfriend home?
→ 'Lovely, dear, he looks good enough to eat!'