Police Jokes — most viewed jokes

A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further he's stopped by a police officer.

- Officer: Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?

- Man: I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air.

- Officer: Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test.

- Man: I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death.

- Officer: Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line.

- Man: Can't do that either.

- Officer: Why not?

- Man: Because I'm dead drunk.

How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow-worm?
→ He has a flashing light.

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"

"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs?
→ None. He fell.

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

Here's a little bit-a-dis and a little bit-a-dat:How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital? He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan. ===========================Why don't Italians have acne? It slides off. ==========================Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong! ==========================What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses behind? A Mechanic. =========================What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A Speech Impediment! =========================What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring. =========================Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future either. =========================Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo!" ========================Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. ========================How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? NONE- "He fell". ========================Q. How do you make a cat drink? A. Put it in a blender, and strain off the fur. ========================Q. Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward? A. They like the part where the hooker gives the money back. ========================Q. What is the first thing a blonde hears in the morning? A. "See ya." ========================Q. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? A. The survivors were marooned. ========================Q: What do Jimmy Hoffa and Linda Tripp have in common? A: Nothing... yet. ========================

- Policeman: Why didn't you check your speedometer?

- Driver: It broke when I hit 100.

- Reporter: My editor sent me to do the burglary.

- Policeman: You're too late - it's already been done.

Why did the belt go to jail?
→ Because he held up a pair of pants!

- Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.

- Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.