Police Jokes — most viewed jokes

Things NOT to say to a Cop!

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!!
5. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
8. Bad cop! No Donut!
9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on "Cops"?
11. You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
12. I pay your salary!
13. So, duhhhh, you on the take, or what?
14. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too.
15. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
16. I was trying to keep up with the other traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far ahead of me they are.
17. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained observer!

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.

"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

- You'll get your chance in court, said the Desk Sergeant.

- No, no no! I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!

What happened when the monster stole a bottle of perfume?
→ He was convicted of fragrancy.

Which dog looks like a cat?
→ A police dog in disguise.

What do you call a policeman with blonde hair?
→ A fair cop!

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.

She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.

"I didn't even touch you," growls the sheriff. "Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

What nickname did the police give to the new blonde woman police officer?
→ A fair cop.

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many.

Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, "SPEED TRAP AHEAD".

The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted "TIPS" and a bucket of change.

A down and out musician was playing his harmonica in the middle of a busy shopping mall. Striding over, a policeman asked, "May I please see your permit?"

"I don't have one," confessed the musician.

"In that case, you'll have to accompany me."

"Splendid!" exclaimed the musician. "What shall we sing?"