Random joke from this category
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3.
They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4.
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
LOS ANGELES TIMES, December 9:
A man walked into a branch of the Antelope Valley Bank and handed a teller a note demanding money. The man had one hand in his pocket, as if holding a gun, so the teller began handing over the contents of her cash drawer.
When she had forked over $7,000 the robber said, "That's enough" and walked out the door. It's hard to find a bank robber who knows when he's had enough.
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims, "may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony." The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: "no tanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!"
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."
Kenneth Jeffries, 24, was arrested in West Haven, Conn., in August for robbing a convenience store. Police reported that he had first offered the clerk $1 for a pack of gum as a ruse and then taken $40 in the robbery.
However, said police, Jeffries returned a minute later and asked, uncertainly, "Did I pay for the gum?"
By that time the clerk had summoned police, and Jeffries was soon apprehended.
Fort Worth, Texas:
Lee Lively thought he was doing the right thing when he shot a drunken driving suspect who had beaten up a policeman and was running away.
His faith was shaken when Jesus Puentes demanded $1.7 million for his wounds.
But the jury said Puentes is the one who must pay -- $1.75 million in punitive damages and $1,000 for Cpl. Randy Whisenhunt's injuries.
"We just wanted to make a statement. We're tired of the frivolous lawsuits that are plaguing our court system," juror Elsie Bowles said.
February 17, 1990, Lively saw Puentes grabbing for Whisenhunt's gun. The officer managed to knock it away, but ended up with Puentes sitting on his chest, beating his face.
Lively said he leaped out of his truck and beat Puentes to the gun. As Puentes began to run, Lively said he shouted twice for him to stop, then shot him twice in the legs.
A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building... he suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks: "why the hell did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"
The blond answers in a very weak voice: "we wanted to try out our new maxi-pads with wings"...
This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him over.
"You got any I.D.?" the patrolman asked.
"'Bout what?" the hillbilly replied.
An old lady noticed that she was about out of gas and pulled her car into the nearest self-service gas station. She forgot to put out the cigarette she was smoking as she began to pump her gas, so she flicked it away.
A spark landed on her hand and the gas nozzle. The old lady's arm caught fire. In a feverish attempt to put out the fire, she waved her arm up and down.
A Police officer was nearby, saw what was happening and fired 3 shots at the woman killing her instantly. Shocked onlookers asked the officer why he shot her. The officer said, "She was waving a firearm."
How many Los Angeles police officers does it take to beat up a black motorist?
→ None. He fell down the stairs.
