Ouch — most viewed jokes

What did the really ugly man do for a living?
→ He posed for Halloween masks.

Why are E.T.s eyes so big?
→ Because he saw the phone bill.

A hunchback is running along a street being chased by a pack of children.

He stops, turns around and shouts, "Will you all get lost! I haven't got your bloody ball!"

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
→ They taste funny!!

Why don't blind people skydive?
→ It scares the heck out of the dog.

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400-day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally...

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now! Your day's not so bad, is it?

When is it OK for a lady to slap a midget?
→ When they are slow dancing and he tells her how nice her hair smells.

- Is this really your third marriage?

- Sure is.

- What happened to your first two wives?

- They died.

- How did your first wife die?

- She ate some poisonous mushrooms.

- What about your second wife?

- She died from a severe skull fracture.

- How did she get a skull fracture?

- She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.

There was once a guy whose tongue was so long that when he stuck it out for the doctor, the nurse went, "Aaaaaahhh!!!"

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

"Have you any last requests?" asked the chaplain.

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"