Ouch — most viewed jokes

Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water".

"Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified.

"Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs".

"And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little lady.

"Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

"Have you any last requests?" asked the chaplain.

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect "10"?
→ Two 5 year olds.

What do you do when an epilectic takes a bath?
→ Throw in your laundry.

All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.

One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."

Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to test fire some fireworks. The only real problem was, their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and found dead some 250 yards from their respective seats.

Lady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. Peter asks: "Oh dear, what happened to you?" Di answers: "I died in a car crash, but wait till you see my friend, he looks much worse". Half an hour later Dodi shows up and St. Peter says: "My God, you look terrible."

Dodi replies: "This is nothing. Wait till you see my driver."

Half an hour later some bones and flesh move slowly to the Gates, and St. Peter says: "So you're the driver?"

"No, I'm Mother Theresa."

The new FDA milk labeling rules are so strict, it's now illegal to print a picture of a missing fat kid on a carton of skim milk.

While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man's legs.

A passerby commented to the blind man, "What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?"

To which the blind man replied, "Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him."

Ever wonder why they never show the film ALIVE in-flight?...... It's not because of the film's content, it's because the people in the film are eating better than the people on board.