Mom/Dad Jokes — most viewed jokes

Martin ended a letter to his dad with this question, 'Is Washington's picture still on the dollar bill?'

His Father wrote back, 'Of course it is. Why do you ask?'

Martin answered, 'Because it's been so long since I've seen one!'

- Karen: Have you noticed that Daddy is getting taller?

- Sharon: No, why?

- Karen: His head is sticking through his hair.

- Mommy monster: Don't eat that uranium.

- Little monster: Why not?

- Mommy monster: You'll get atomic-ache.

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says.

"That's cool" says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! ...

IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

- Boy: Dad, Dad, come out. My sister's fighting this ten foot gargoyle with three heads.

- Dad: No, I'm not coming out. She's going to have to learn to look after herself.

- Come here, you greedy wretch. I'll teach you to eat all your sister's birthday chocs.

- It's all right Dad, I know how!

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

How did your mom know you hadn't washed your face?
→ I forgot to wet the soap.

And then there's little Johnny who one night woke up to go the bathroom and passed by his parents door.

Noticing that the door was open a bit, he walked in only to see his mother performing oral sex on his dad.

Upon seeing this, little Johnny walks out and exclaims - "Hah!, they got nerve...they sent "ME" to the doctor for sucking my thumb!"

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me."
"My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away."
"I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it."
He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?"
"In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'"