Mom/Dad Jokes — most viewed jokes

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car.

They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied... "Yes, you're right...and they also WALKED every where they went!"

Did you hear about the little boy who was named after his father?
→ They called him Dad!

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.

The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees.

When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made him stop right away and told the little boy, "That's it for you. No honey for a week."

Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said, "Stomping on butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week."

After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the little boy's mother stomping on cockroaches.

The little boy turned to his father and said, "Should I tell her or should you?"

Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said, "Why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something."

Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned.

Martin replied - "Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up."

Martin's mother said, "Wait until your father gets home."

When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him to ask Martin what he had learnt today. When Martin told him the whole story, dad said, "Martin, go outside and get me a switch."

Martin replied, "Get fucked. That's the electrician's job."

- Mum, does God use the bathroom?

- No, what a funny question!

- Then why did Dad say this morning, 'Oh, God, are you still in there?'

Josh sent a letter to his folks. He told about a ten-mile hike he had taken.
His father wrote back saying, "In my day I thought nothing of walking ten miles."
Josh wrote back, "To tell the truth, I didn't think much of it either."

What do you call a small parent?
→ A minimum!

"Dad," said Rickey, "what is electricity?"

"Uh," replied his father, "I don't really know too much about electricity."

A few minutes later the boy said, "How does gas make the engine go?"

"Son, I'm afraid I don't know much about motors."

"Dad," said the boy, "what is anthropology?"

"Anthropology?" The father frowned. "I really don't know."

"Gee, Dad, I guess I'm making a nuisance of myself."

"Not at all, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything."

"Can I go outside and watch the solar eclipse?" asked Rupert.

"Okay," replied his father, "but don't stand too close."