Random joke from this category
A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, "Does this fellow have any money?"
The daughter shook her head sadly. "Oh Daddy! You men are all alike." sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."
A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.
The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!"
Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
→ Because its mother panda'd to its every whim!
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.
ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
BABY: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.
BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.
CARPOOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.
COOK: 1. Act of preparing food for consumption. 2. Mom's other name.
COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds on the sofa during Dallas Cowboy games.
DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.
DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."
EAR: A place where kids store dirt.
EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."
ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
"EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.
EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"
FROZEN: 1. A type of food. 2. How Hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.
GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.
GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.
GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.
HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.
ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.
"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom
JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.
JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.
"JEEEEEEEEZ!": Slang for "Gee Mom, isn't there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?"
JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.
JUNK: Things belonging to Dad.
KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.
KISS: Mom medicine.
LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.
LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.
LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.
LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends"
MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."
MAYBE: No.
MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
"MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
MUSH: 1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2. Main element of Mom's favorite movies.
NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.
OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.
OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.
OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
PANIC: What a mother goes through when the wind-up swing stops.
PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.
PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.
PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.
PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddybear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list, and several outdated coupons.
QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."
REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen.
ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.
SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactment of famous historic events.
SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.
SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold, and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child's "special needs."
TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.
TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.
TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.
VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy."
WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues, and wads of gum.
"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.
XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried, or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?"
His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk." "No, at the other end." "That son is the tail." "No, mummy, the thing under the elephant." A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "Thats nothing."
The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question. "Daddy, what is that long thing?"
"That's the trunk, son" replies the father. "No at the other end." "Oh, that is the tail." "No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation. "That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?" "Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy. Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________________HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________ If NO, explain_____________________________________________________________________________________________Number of years married________If less than your age,Explain__________________________________________________________________________________________________Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____ A waterbed?__________ A pickup with a mattress in the back?______A condom?______ Pornography?_______ Do you have earring, nose ring,or a belly button ring?________ A tattoo?___________(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Church you attend______________________________________ How often you attend_______When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, andpriest?_____________Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. (that means I won't tell anyone EVER)A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be__________________________________________________________B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my __________________________________________________________C: A woman's place is in the__________________________________________________________D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is__________________________________________________________E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is__________________________________________________________NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.
What do you want to do IF you grow up__________________________________________________________________________What is the current going rate of a hotel room?_______________Condoms come in A: 3 B: 6 C: 9 D: 12 E: ALL OFTHE ABOVE(circleone)I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN HAND TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE._______________________________________Signature (that means sign your name moron)Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).
Bentley and his wife and son were sitting at the dinner table when the boy suddenly blurted out, "Gee, you're dumb, Mom. You don't know anything."
"Now, son," scolded Bentley, "you musn't be picky about your mother's little faults."
All the things my mother taught me:
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
