Mom/Dad Jokes — most viewed jokes

A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother "How old are you?" Mommy says "Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life."

The girl then asks, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Mommy says, "That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?" Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything."

The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old." Her mommy is very shocked! She asks "Sweetheart how did you do that?"

The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds." The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, "Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know, that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex!"

A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year-old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening.
"A police car has just called at the Hamiltons' house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having sex."
Hearing this, the boy's parents shot bolt upright.

- How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?

- Because their kid is standing on the balcony too.

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one."

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

- Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies) Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled... isn't she adorable?

- Friend: But your kid didn't smile.

- Father: I was talking about the nurse.

There was a man who traveled all around the world. Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her. On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother.

A few days later he calls his mother. "Did you like the parrot?" he asked her. "Oh yes," she replied. "It was delicious." "WHAT!" the man cried. "You ate it? That parrot wasn't for you to eat! It spoke thirty languages!"

The mother paused for a moment and then said, "So why didn't he say something?"

- Mother: Fred, why did you put a slug in your grandma's bed?

- Fred: Because I couldn't find a snake.

What is a baby: A soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other.

A young couple had identical twin sons and nearly everyone had a heck of a time telling them apart. An aunt asked the mom if she had any problems distinguishing the two lads, and the mother replied, "No, I can tell them apart by their balls. One bawls all night, the other bawls all day!"

- Father: Son at your age, Winston Churchill used be up and out for his morning walk at 5 a.m.

- Son: Dad, at your age, he had become the Prime Minister of England.

- Bridegroom: Dear, we've been back from the Caribbean for a month now. We've been in our apartment now for nearly a month. Isn't it time we were alone?

- Bride: But darling, we are alone, aren't we?

- Bridegroom: What I mean is, when can we get your mother out of here?

- Bride: MY mother! I thought she was YOUR mother!!!