Military Jokes — most viewed jokes

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" asked the captain.

"Throw out an anchor, sir." replied the naval student.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir." answered the student.

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor." replied the student.

"Hold on," said the Captain. "Where are you getting all your anchors from?"

The naval student replied, "From the same place you're getting all of your storms, sir."

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."

"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."

A few moments later a second man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."

"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."

A few moments later a third man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."

"Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you?"

What do Israeli soldiers do when they get bored?
→ They go over to the West Bank & the Gaza Strip and get stoned.

A knight and his men returned to their castle after a hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asked the king.
"Sire!" replied the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies to the west."
"What?" shrieked the king, "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh!" said the knight, "Well, you do now."

The problem with the Iraqi army is that they were using Russian defense tactics:

1. Engage the enemy.
2. Draw him into your territory.
3. Wait until winter sets in.

The Iraqi verions of the classic army regulations can be summarized as:
If it doesn't move, hide behind it.
If it does move, surrender to it.

Iraqi Air Force motto: I came I saw Iran

Soldier Ivanov was ordered to peel a barrel of potatos.

- In this day and age, the army should have a machine to peel potatos, complains Ivanov.

- Absolutely, answered the sergeant. And you are its latest model.

How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.

Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from some of the surrounding colleges to attend. The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their most trustworthy students.

The Captain hesitated, then said, "Would it also be possible to send a dozen or so of the other kind?"

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. And then he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room. So now he was completely naked in the halls of the headquarters of the most powerful military organization on the planet. And he felt pretty ridiculous.

Getting an idea, he walked naked and purposefully through the corridors until he reached the Research & Development laboratory. He walked in and saluted the Head Scientist.

"I am here to report the partial success of the personal invisibility device!"

Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

"When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites."

"Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it."