Men Jokes — most viewed jokes

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR:

Autumn Schedule

• MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
• MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework
• MEN 103 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
• MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas

Winter Schedule

• MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
• MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response to Getting In At 4 a.m.
• MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
• EAT 100 Get A Life, Learn To Cook
• ECON 001A What's Hers Is Hers

Spring Schedule

• MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You're Wrong
• MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
• MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex
• MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers
• ECON 001B What's Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A)

SECOND YEAR:

Autumn Schedule

• SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
• SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
• MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex
• MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
• ELECTIVE (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule

• MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
• MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
• MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
• MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise - Especially Naked
• MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

Spring Schedule

• MEN 220 Omitting @&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
• MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
• MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions
• MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay
• MEN 230B Her Birthdays And Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives

• EAT 101 Cooking With Quiche
• EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
• EAT 103 Burping And Belching Discreetly
• MEN 231 Mother-in-Law
• MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening
• MEN 233 Just Say, Yes Dear
• ECON 001C Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)

HIS:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it.
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse gear
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

How do you get a man to do situps?
→ Glue the TV remote between his ankles...

A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you'd like. The man's brain costs $100,000.00 and the woman's brain costs $30,000.00."

The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?" The doctor replied, "The female brain is used."

How many men does it take to open a beer?
→ None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
→ A half-hour of begging.

Why do gay men have moustaches?
→ To hide the stretchmarks.

The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

- Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

- Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

- Woman 2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

- Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

- Woman 2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

- Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

- Man 2: Haircut?

- Man 1: Yeah.

Are hamburgers male?
→ Yes, because they're boygers, not girlgers!

The Perfect Day - Her

• 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
• 9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
• 9:30 Light Breakfast
• 11:00 Sunbathe
• 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
• 1:45 Shopping
• 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
• 3:00 Facial, massage, nap
• 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
• 10:00 Make love
• 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

• 6:45 Alarm.
• 7:00 Shower and massage.
• 7:30 Blowjob.
• 7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
• 8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
• 8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
• 9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
• 11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
• 12:30 Blowjob.
• 12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
• 2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
• 3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
• 6:15 Blowjob.
• 6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
• 7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
• 8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
• 9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
• 10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
• 11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave.
• Midnight Blowjob
• Sleep