Men Jokes — most viewed jokes

What do men consider a 50-50 relationship?
→ We cook, they eat! We clean, they dirty! We iron, they wrinkle!

Men are like toilets -- either they're taken, or full of crap!

He has a one-track mind, and the traffic on it is very light.
He paid $500 to have his family tree searched, and found out he was the sap.
There are times he has something on his mind -- he wears a hat occasionally.
His neck reminds you of a typewriter -- Underwood.
The only time he thinks is in a poolroom, where he can rack his brains.
If you want the real dope about anything, go to the real dope -- HIM!
He bought a topless bathing suit for his half-sister.
A traffic judge asked him, "Have you ever been up before me?" And he said, "I don't know, what time do you get up?"
Once he saw an old woman fall down, but didn't help her up. His mother warned him against having anything to do with fallen women.
He's never bought Christmas seals -- says he wouldn't know what to feed them.
He carried a double-barreled gun to the ball game, because he heard the Lions were playing the Tigers.
He called it quits when his fourth child was born, because he read that every fifth child born is Chinese!
He won't let his daughter go to college because he heard that the students have to show their professors their thesis.
The first time he heard about the Boston Tea Party, he asked who the caterer was.
When a beggar asked him, "Do you have a quarter for a sandwich?" he said "Let's see the sandwich."

He says he has a mind of his own. He's welcome to it-- who else would want it?

He has one of those mighty minds -- mighty empty. He has a one-track mind, and the traffic on it is very light.

Element: WOMAN
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of wealth. Probably the single most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element: MAN
Symbol: XY
Common Name(s): Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!
Atomic Weight: 180 +/-100
Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples.
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast. He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me." She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204."

Why are dumb blonde jokes only one liners?
→ So men can understand them!

He's so dumb, he thinks the Kentucky Derby is a hat.
He's never slept with his wife. He says it isn't honorable to sleep with a married woman.
He's so dumb, he thinks the English Channel is a British T.V. station.
He's so dumb, he thinks the St. Louis Cardinals are appointed by the Pope.
He lost his dog, but he won't put an ad in the newspaper. He says it's no use -- his dog can't read.
He still hasn't bought an electric toothbrush. He doesn't know if his teeth are AC or DC.
He jumped off the bus backwards when he heard someone say, "Let's grab his seat when he gets off."
He heard that a man gets hit by an automobile every twenty minutes. He said, "What a glutton for punishment, that guy!"

Men say the smartest things when they start the sentence with "A woman once told me..."