Random joke from this category
A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, "Where would man be today if it were not for woman?" She paused a moment and looked around the room.
"I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?"
From the back of the room came a voice... "He'd still be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries!"
Your so bald, I can see what your thinking.
How do men exercise at the beach?
→ By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
This woman had a magic mirror from which anything you wanted you got, so one day she stood in front of the mirror and said I wish I had bigger breasts and it happened. So then she ran downstairs to show her husband. He was so amazed that he ran upstairs and stood in front of the mirror and said I wish my dick could touch the floor and his legs fell off!
"I'm going fishing." Really means...
→ "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing." Really means....
→ "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means....
→ "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....
→ Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain." Really means...
→ "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means....
→ "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late." Really means....
→ "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means....
→ "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." Really means....
→ "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means....
→ "I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me." Really means....
→ "You want me to stay awake?"
"That's women's work." Really means....
→ "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is." Really means....
→ "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means....
→ "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house." Really means....
→ "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means....
→ "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
"I can't find it." Really means....
→ "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?" Really means....
→ "What did you catch me doing?"
"I heard you." Really means....
→ "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"You look terrific." Really means....
→ "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I missed you." Really means....
→ "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means....
→ "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework." Really means....
→ "I make the messes, you clean them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means....
→ "You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."
"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means....
→ "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident.
If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum.
Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional).
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.
Finally...
Always split aces and eights. No arguments!
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
→ Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said.
Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you.
One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.
The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate these organs one at a time."
The Perfect Day According To...
HER
8:45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 - Light breakfast
11:00 - Sunbathe
12:30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 - Shopping
2:30 - Run into husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs.
3:00 - Facial, massage, nap
7:30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 - Make love
11:30 - Pillow talk in his big strong arms
HIM
10:00 - Wake up
10:02 - SEX
10:10 - Big Breakfast
11:30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 - Enormous lunch with BEER
3:15 - SEX
3:25 - Play sports with the guys
4:30 - Drink BEER with the guys
6:30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 - SEX
6:50 - Huge dinner, more BEER
8:00 - Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Shiffer
11:00 - Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER
11:10 - Sleep
2:30 - Fart
What happens when you have:
One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage ? trois.
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
The 2 American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.
The 2 Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any!
