Men Jokes — most viewed jokes

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."

What's your dad getting for Christmas?
→ Bald and fat.

Ralph was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have Barbie goes to the gym for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie goes shopping for $19.95, Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Nightclub for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $375.00."

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?!?", Ralph asked surprised.

The Manager replies, "Well, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

- Customer: Why did you take off so much hair?

- Barber: I didn't, nature beat me to it.

Here's one for you... what do men and linoleum have in common?
→ If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them the rest of your life!

Two gay men were partners for life and finally decided they wanted a child of their own. After weeks of consultation with Doctors and Psychiatrists the two decided to mix their sperm and implant it into a willing surrogate mother.

Soon they learned that the procedure had worked and that the surrogate was pregnant and doing well. After the usual period of time they got the call they were waiting for...their baby was born!

So they rushed to the hospital to see the little one. Looking through the viewing glass they noticed several newborn girls in a row...all of which were crying and carrying on intensely. Then they spotted a cute little baby boy at the end of the row, smiling and looking at them with great joy...this little baby had to be theirs.

Soon they saw a nurse and she confirmed that yes, indeed the peaceful little boy was their son. They started congratulating each other, saying how lucky they are that they have such a perfectly happy well behaved son.

The nurse, hearing this, said "He may look happy now, but you should see him when we take the pacifier out of his ass!"

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
→ He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my penis I will keep, And if I wake and it is gone, I hope to find it on the lawn.

I hope the dog that's running free, Doesn't see that little part of me, Many precautions I must take, To keep this part I love to shake.

Much attention I must pay, To assure I put the knives away, The mower, chain saw, the hatchet too, Why there's no telling what she'd do.

To rid me of my manly charm, I must keep it safe, away from harm, So I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes, and I cross my legs to avoid surprise!

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."