Men Jokes — most viewed jokes

Three couples are dining together.
The American husband says to his wife: "Pass me the honey, Honey".
The English husband says to his wife: "Pass me the sugar, Sugar".
The [you name it] husband says to his wife: "Pass me the steak, Dumb cow".

"I'm going fishing."
→ Really means "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
→ Really means "Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
→ Really means "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
→ Really means "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."
→ Really means "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
→ Really means "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
→ Really mean absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."
→ Really means "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
→ Really means "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
→ Really means "She's heard all my stories before and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
→ Really means "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
→ Really means "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
→ Really means "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
→ Really means "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
→ Really means "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
→ Really means "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
→ Really means "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
→ Really means "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
→ Really means "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
→ Really means "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
→ Really means "You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
→ Really means "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
→ Really means "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
→ Really means "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
→ Really means "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
→ Really means "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you and got you these roses."
→ Really means "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
→ Really means "Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
→ Really means "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
→ Really means "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
→ Really means "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
→ Really means "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
→ Really means "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
→ Really means "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
→ Really means "She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
→ Really means "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
→ Really means "You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
→ Really means "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
→ Really means "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
→ Really means "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
→ Really means "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
→ Really means "It was Free Ice Scraper Night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
→ Really means "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
→ Really means "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
→ Really means "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
→ Really means "I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
→ Really means "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
→ Really means "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
→ Really means "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."
→ Really means "It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
→ Really means "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
→ Really means "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
→ Really means "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

"I broke up with her."
→ Really means "She dumped me."

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".
4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.
14. Women think all beer is the same.
15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
18. Women brush their hair before bed.
19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
21. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
22. Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"
23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.
24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.
30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
32. The first naked man women see is "Ken".
33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.
34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
35. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
40. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
42. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
48. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay, You don't see straight men dancing together.
49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"

Why are men like blenders?
→ You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Women's Lifestyles Through the Ages

DRINK

• 17... Wine coolers
• 25... White wine
• 35... Red wine
• 48... Dom Perignon
• 66... Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

• 17... Need to wash my hair
• 25... Need to wash and condition my hair
• 35... Need to color my hair
• 48... Need to have Francois color my hair
• 66... Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT

• 17... shopping
• 25... shopping
• 35... shopping
• 48... shopping
• 66... shopping

FAVORITE DRUG

• 17... shopping
• 25... shopping
• 35... shopping
• 48... shopping
• 66... shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

• 17... "Burger King"
• 25... "Free meal"
• 35... "A diamond"
• 48... "A bigger diamond"
• 66... "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY

• 17... tall, dark and handsome
• 25... tall, dark and handsome with money
• 35... tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
• 48... a man with hair
• 66... a man

HOUSE PET

• 17... Muffy the cat
• 25... Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
• 35... Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
• 48... Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
• 66... Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy and stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

• 17... 17
• 25... 25
• 35... 35
• 48... 48
• 66... 66

IDEAL DATE

• 17... He offers to pay
• 25... He pays
• 35... He cooks breakfast the next morning
• 48... He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
• 66... He can chew breakfast

Men's Lifestyles Through the Ages

DRINK

• 17... Beer
• 25... Beer
• 35... Scotch
• 48... Double scotch
• 66... Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE

• 17... My parents are away for the weekend.
• 25... My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
• 35... My fiancee is away for the weekend.
• 48... My wife is away for the weekend.
• 66... My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT

• 17... Sex
• 25... Sex
• 35... Sex
• 48... Sex
• 66... Napping

FAVORITE DRUG

• 17... Pot
• 25... Cocaine
• 35... Really good cocaine
• 48... Power
• 66... Advil

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

• 17... Cop a feel
• 25... Breakfast
• 35... She didn't set back my therapy
• 48... I didn't bump into her kids.
• 66... An actual erection

FAVORITE FANTASY

• 17... Third base
• 25... Airplane sex
• 35... Menage a trois
• 48... Taking her company public
• 66... Swiss maid and/or Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET

• 17... Roaches (to be burned later)
• 25... Old college roommate
• 35... Irish setter
• 48... Children from her first marriage
• 66... Barbi

THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED

• 17... 25
• 25... 35
• 35... 48
• 48... 66
• 66... 17

IDEAL DATE

• 17... Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
• 25... Split the check before we go back to my place
• 35... Just come over
• 48... Just come over and cook
• 66... Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank

Two guys are talking about fishing. One says to the other, "I am NEVER going to take my wife fishing with me, ever again!"

- That bad, huh

- She did everything wrong! She did everything wrong! She talked too much, made the boat rock constantly, tried to stand up in the boat, baited the hook wrong, used the wrong lures and WORST of all she caught more fish than me!

Making Coffee

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

Laying a Carpet

Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

Hanging Wallpaper

Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

Putting Up a Tent

Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.

Washing a Car

Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

Being in Therapy

And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

Being in a Crash

Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

Going Fishing

Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.

"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual "equipment." Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information. How about something like this:

• Warning: These cigarettes are king size -- how about you?
• Warning: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.
• Warning: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.
• Warning: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.
• Warning: Smoke rises, but you may not.
• Warning: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- That is.. if you're capable of conceiving any.
• Warning: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff -- so do you.
• Warning: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there's no before?
• Warning: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.
• Warning: Don't throw lit cigarettes in the urinal -- you might not have the range to put them out.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
→ Because all those men already have boyfriends.