Medicine — most viewed jokes

I went past a plastic surgeon's shop the other day and saw Michael Jackson picking his nose.

A guy walks into his doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I can't remember anything!"

The doc asks, "How long have you had this problem?"

The guy says, "What problem?"

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.

The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."

The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"

The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

- Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?

- Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem.

After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

- Doctor: It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering.

- Patient: Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo? (Doctor what can I do?)

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem.

The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it.

The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

- Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: I dddoonnn?t ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble.

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in and check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations.

When the third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

• Artery -- Study of paintings
• Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
• Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
• Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
• Caesarean section -- District in Rome
• Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
• Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
• Colic -- Sheep dog
• Coma -- A punctuation mark
• Congenital -- Friendly
• D&C -- Where Washington is
• Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
• Dilate -- To live long
• Enema -- Not a friend
• Fester -- Quicker
• Fibula -- A small lie
• G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
• Grippe -- Suitcase
• Hangnail -- Coathook
• Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
• Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
• Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
• Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
• Morbid -- Higher offer
• Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
• Node -- Was aware of
• Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
• Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
• Post operative -- Letter carrier
• Protein -- Favoring young people
• Rectum -- It almost killed him
• Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
• Rheumatic -- Amorous
• Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
• Secretion -- Hiding anything
• Seizure -- Roman emperor
• Serology -- Study of knighthood
• Tablet -- Small table
• Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
• Tibia -- Country in North Africa
• Tumor -- An extra pair
• Urine -- Opposite of you're out
• Varicose -- Located nearby
• Vein -- Conceited

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

A new medical study has shown that a woman's breast-feeding isn't adversely affected by aerobics. It was found, however, to be pretty distracting to guys in the class.

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

- What's the food like?

- Terrific, wonderful menus.

- And the nursing?

- Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you.

- What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?

- No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light.

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."