Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?" He replies "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k." His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?" Johnny answers "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."

My wife asked me to take her to the zoo the other day. I said, "If you want people to see you they can come here and do it!"

A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until at 8 p.m. the husband finally pulls into the driveway.

- What happened? You should have been home hours ago!

- Harry had a heart attack at the third hole.

- Oh, that's terrible.

- I know. All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry...

25 Things a Wife would say in a "perfect world!"

1. I'll swallow it all... I love the taste!
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too.
14. Honey, our new neighbors 16 year old daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?
16. No, No, I'll take the car for an oil change.
17. Your mother is way better than mine.
18. Do me a favor...forget the stupid Valentines day thing and buy yourself some new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Oh come on.. what do you say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints and have my friend Bridget over for a threesome!
21. Not the fucking mall again... come on let's go to the new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us--why don't you retire and get that nagging golf handicap down to a 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep...stop getting up for the baby's night feedings.
24. If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I am going to explode!!
25. I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles behind my ears for you!!

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

Dear Abby:

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him.

This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat.

I don't know what to do.

Signed Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

We've been married a little over four years, and we just celebrated our "Wooden Anniversary."

Yeah, I asked my wife to blow me, and she wouldn't.

One day a lady went to the doctor's office and told the doctor that her husband wasn't interested in her any more he just wouldn't have sex with her anymore.

So the doctor went into the back of the shop and got a bottle of 100 pills. He told her that "if you give your husband one of these pills then he would have sex with you." So she bought the pills and took them home. She put one in his dinner and he ate it. They had sex till midnight. The next day she thought it was so good that she wanted some more. so she put two in his dinner and they had sex till twelve noon the next day.

She thought it was so good that she put all of the pills in his dinner and he ate it.

Three weeks later a little kid was outside screaming and a guy walked up to him and asked him what was wrong. The little kid said, "My mom is dead, my sister is pregnant, my asshole hurts and my dad is in there on the floor saying, 'here kitty kitty kitty...'"

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer (JenJohnson@AOL.com).

Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact email address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson (JJohnson@AOL.com) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.

The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.

When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."