Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what am I going to do with the BODY?"

My marriage is childless so far, except for my husband!

Why is sex with your spouse like a convenience store?
→ There's not much variety, but what else is open at three in the morning!

What do you call a cow who argues with her husband?
→ A bullfighter!

"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?"

"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?"

- Oh.. Half a pack a day.

- Starting NOW, no more smoking.

The man agrees.

The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"

- Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while.

- Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions.

The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.

The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"

- Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff.

- Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese.

The man is now really worried.

- Doc, is all this really necessary?

- Do you want to live long?

- Yes.

- Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet.

The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"

- Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife! he adds hurriedly.

"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."

The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"

"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you it is going to seem like an eternity!"

A husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire".

The husband asks for sex.

The wife says, "No."

Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?"

She responds, "Yes."

He says, "Then, I'd like to call a friend."

Did you hear about the Western Kentucky professor who kissed the door goodbye and slammed his wife as he went by?

Besides "I love you", what three words does a wife want to hear most?
→ "I'll fix it."

"Come on, Steve," one guy said to another at the gym, "your wife is not as bad as you say. What would you do if you found another man in bed with her?"

"I'd break his white cane and shoot his dog."