Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Hey Patrick, do I hear you spitting in the vase on the mantelpiece ?

- No, Nora, but I'm getting closer all the time !

A groom buys the engagement ring at a jewelry store. As the groom enters the room, we "have been talking about" the news that says the jewelry store he just went to is being investigated for selling plastic diamonds to unknowledgeable customers. This didn't work too well but maybe if you have better actors in your group it would.

A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the groom's tuxedo.

After final fitting, rent an extra coat jacket that is either three or four sizes smaller or larger than the groom's. Explain to the tux shop what you're up to. Pick up the groom's fitted coat, switch with the extra rented coat, and deliver to the groom only when it becomes time to actually get dressed.

The friend of mine wore a 42 long, but the one I provided was a 38 short. Talk about some serious fun! Don't reveal that you know anything as long as possible.

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."

"But why?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."

The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep.""

"How marvelous," the old man said.

"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said, "it's only going to work three times before you die."

On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied, he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again. He chuckled with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep." Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to "speed it up." He raced into the house as fast as he could for his last great lay. "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask questions. Just drop your clothes and hope into bed." Caught up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said, "beep," and he was UP.

He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said, "What's all this "beep beep" shit?"

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but i can't get my wife to go swimming!

Another on that I have seen pulled is to have someone speak out at the time the minister asks, "If anyone has good reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace."

They had a pregnant lady stand up and say, "Oh, never mind! I'll just call my lawyer!" It rattled the groom's mother so much that she fainted.

Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea, why don't you make up a certificate saying, she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."

So that's what Joe did.

The next day at the bar, his buddy said, "Well, did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said Joe.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, 'I'll be back in an hour!!'"

A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife: "I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.

"Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.

"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now!"