Language Jokes — most viewed jokes

One day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub.

Suddenly the pub door swings open and in walks a Humbug.

"Fuck me," shouts Polo, and immediately dives under the table.

"What the fuck are you doing that for?" says Smartie.

"That humbug always gives me a right good kicking whenever I see him, so I'm hiding from him," says Polo.

"You should stand up to him," says Smartie. "He'll respect you more if you do."

Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a right slap.

"Fuck off you stripy wanker, or I'll knock the fucking shit out of you," says Polo.

"Hey, no problem man, can I buy you a drink?" says Humbug.

"Told you so," says Smartie.

The next night Polo and Smartie are sitting in the pub again, when in walks Humbug with his mate, Tune.

"Fuck me," shouts Polo again diving under the table.

"What the fuck are you doing that for again?" says Smartie.

"I know you said stand up to bullies, but thats Tune," says Polo.

"So what?" says Smartie.

"He's fucking menthol," says Polo.

OLD FOOTBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go to the end zone
OLD FOOTBALLERS never die, they just kick the bucket
OLD FORESTERS never die, they just pine away
OLD FRIDGE REPAIRMEN never die, they just blow their cool
OLD FROGS never die, they just croak
OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes
OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire
OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize
OLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolate
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD GRAPHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez
OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount
OLD HAMS never die, they just get grounded
OLD HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die, they just cache in their chips
OLD HELSINKI TOURISTS never die, they just vanish into Finn Air

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."

Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."

"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"

Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."

How do we know that the "Toothbrush" was invented in West Virginia?
→ Had it been invented anywhere else it would have been called a "Teethbrush".

WORLD FAMOUS SOUTHERN TALK
BECOME A NATIVE SOUTHERNER
How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson

• Aig - What a hen lays
• Aints - He's got aints in his paints
• Paints - What cha put on your laigs of a mornin
• Arn - Ma's tard of arnin
• Bag - He bagged her to marry him
• Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence
• Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.
• Bub - the light bub burned out
• Cheer - What you set in
• Crick - A small stream
• Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon
• Chiny - country over in Asia
• Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes
• Core - He got hisself a new Ford core
• Cyow - Animal on Farm
• Deppity - He helps out the shurf
• Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt
• Dainz - Satidy night social
• Ellum - A graceful tree
• Fanger - What you put your rang on
• Faince - Whats round the hawg lot
• Far - What get the brandin arn hot
• Furred - He got furred from his job
• Flar - A rose is a purdy flar
• Frash - Them aigs ain't frash
• Furiners - All non-'bamans
• Further - Hits ten miles further to town
• Grain - She was grain with envy
• Hail - Where bad folks go
• Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.
• Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n
• Hilbilly - People in the next county
• Hollar - Whats between the hills
• Hard - Got a brend new hardhand
• Tar - His core blew a tar
• Laymun - A sour fruit
• Laig - Most folks have two of them
• Lather - What you climb up
• Liberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin
• Mailk - what you get from cyows
• Mere - What you see your self in
• Minners - Live bait
• Misrus - Married Woman
• Nar - Opposite of wide
• Nayk - Your head sets on it
• Nup - No
• Orrel - Them hinges need orrel
• Ormy - What the sojers go in
• Pank - A light red color
• Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow
• Petition - What separate the rooms
• Poke - A paper bag or sack
• Pokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in
• Poke Salit - A green vegetable
• Puppet - What the preacher is in
• Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher
• Purt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig
• Rang - You wear it on your fanger
• Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts
• Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town
• Rainch - A big cow farm
• Rat - Do it rat now!
• Rench - Rench the soap yourself
• Roont - She plum roont her shoes
• Salary - A stringy vegetable
• Soardeens - Small canned fish
• Shar - A light rain
• Gully Worsher - A medium heavy rain
• Toad strangler - A heavy rain
• SodyPop - A soft drink
• Sprang - Water out'n the ground
• Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail
• Storch - This here aprn has to much storch in it
• Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death
• Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart
• Tho - Tho me the ball
• Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat
• War - A bobbed war fance
• Worsh - Go worsh your face
• Warter - What you worsh your face in
• Yurp - A continent overseas

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

• Indubitably
• Innovative
• Preliminary
• Proliferation
• Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

• Specificity
• British Constitution
• Passive-aggressive disorder
• Loquacious
• Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

• Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
• Nope, no more booze for me
• Sorry, but you're not really my type
• Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"

OLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribbling
OLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off
OLD BIKERS never die, but they're hard on tires
OLD BIOLOGISTS never die, they just ferment away
OLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye away
OLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figures
OLD BOOKS never die, they just go out-of-print
OLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutter
OLD BRAKES never die, they just grind down
OLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just lose their finesse
OLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just sit around on their fat aces
OLD BUDGETS never die, they are fillibustered
OLD BUREAUCRATS never die, they just waste away
OLD BURGLARS never die, they just steal away
OLD BUSINESSES never die, they just get consolidated

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called ship-ment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"?