Random joke from this category
There once was a snail that wanted to buy a Nissan Z car.
So, he went to a dealership and bought a car. "But," he said to the salesperson, "I would like my car personalized. Would it be possible to have the "Z" replaced with an "S"?" The dealer said yes, and it was done.
And, as the snail raced around the city in his brand new car, everyone would see, "Wow, look at that S-car-go."
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Sign in a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."
Sign at fast-food place: "PARKING FOR DRIVE-THRU CUSTOMERS ONLY!"
Sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
Sign in a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
Sign from the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
Sign in an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."
Sign in a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
Sign in an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."
These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.
Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Write down on a peice of paper:
M R ducks
M R not
O S A R
C M wangs
L I B
M R ducks
Now have somebody say it, saying the capitals as letters, it comes out as:
'em are ducks
'em are not
oh 'es 'ey are
see 'em wangs
'ell ill be
'em are ducks
How do you make a Venetian blind?
→ Poke him in the eye
Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder?
→ He got a little behind in his work.
Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist?
→ They fight tooth and nail!
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
→ He sold his soul to Santa.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
→ He's all right now.
Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug?
→ She had her baby in the spring.
Have you seen Quasimodo?
→ I have a hunch he's back!
How do crazy people go through the forest?
→ They take the psycho path.
How do snakes end a fight?
→ They hiss and make up.
How do you clean ice off tall buildings?
→ With sky scrapers.
How do you get a frog off the back window of your car?
→ Use the rear defrogger.
How do you revive a drowning rodent?
→ Give it mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Sign in a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."
Sign in the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."
Sign on the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life."
Detour sign in Kobe, Japan: "Stop: Drive Sideways."
Sign in a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today -- no ice cream."
Sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."
Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."
Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."
If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them:
