Language Jokes — most viewed jokes

If athletes get athlete's foot, astronauts get missile toe.

A bird dog could be called a point setter.

James Fenimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus in his novel The Deer Sleigher.

What's the difference between a one-winged angel and a two-winged angel?
→ It's a matter of a pinion!

It's a matter of my opinion that Yule love the game we're about to play. In each sentence below, fill in the blank or blanks with an expression commonly used at Christmastide. Answers repose at the end of this column.

1. On December 24, Adam's wife was known as [blank] [blank].
2. In Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol, Scrooge was visited by the ghost of [blank] [blank].
3. An opinion survey in Alaska is called a [blank] [blank].
4. What does Santa Claus do with his three gardens? [blank], [blank], [blank]
5. What Christmas message is conveyed by these letters?: ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. [blank], [blank]
6. When the salt and the pepper say "Hi!" to each other, they are passing on [blank] [blank].
7. A holy man bereft of change could be called [blank] [blank].
8. When you cross a sheep with a cicada, you get a [blank] [blank].
9. A quiet medieval armor-wearer is a [blank] [blank].
10. A cat walking on the desert is bound to get [blank] [blank].
11. People who tell jokes on December 25 might be called [blank] [blank].
12. An airplane disaster in Israel is a [blank].
13. Actor O'Connor and actress Channing are known on December 25 as [blank] [blank].
14. What do Spanish sheep says when they wish each other a Merry Christmas? [blank] [blank].

Meretricious to all! And don't forget that There's No Plate Like Chrome for the Hollandaise.

Answers

1. Christmas Eve
2. Christmas Present
3. North Poll
4. Hoe, hoe, hoe.
5. Noel, (no L)
6. seasons' greetings.
7. St. Nickleless.
8. Bah! (or Baa!) Humbug!
9. silent knight
10. sandy claws
11. Christmas cards
12. cresh
13. Christmas Carols
14. Fleece Navidad!

What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?
→ A doyouthinkhesaurus!

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign in a realtor's office: "Lots for little."
Sign in a shoe store: "Come in and have a fit."
Sign in a maternity clothes store: "We are open on labor day."
Sign in a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
Sign on the door of the maternity ward: "Push Push Push."
Sign at entrance of the IRS: "Watch your step."
Sign at the exit of the IRS: "Watch your mouth."
Sign in a bookstore: "We treat you write."
Sign on a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

An ad on the subway in NYC: "Learn to read and speak English. Call us now."
An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: "Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed."
Sign over a restroom in a restaurant: "Used beer department."
On a store front in Florida: "Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!"
A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey: "Smile, You're on Radar!"
Seen in a State Park in California: "Weather Station" (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) "Check the Rock. If it's wet, it's raining. If it's moving, it's windy. If you can't see it, it's foggy. If rock is gone, it's a tornado."

Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of "Anguished English".

On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.
The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said.
With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim.
A purple lady's bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently.
Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor's task force on driving while intoxicated.
He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.
Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.
A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Amsterdam!

- Amsterdam who?

- Amsterdam tired of all these Knock Knock jokes!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Amos!

- Amos who?

- Amosquito just bit me!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Amy!

- Amy who?

- Amy fraid I've forgotten!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Annetta!

- Annetta who?

- Annetta wisecrack and you're out of here!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Annie!

- Annie who?

- Annie one you like!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Anthem!

- Anthem who?

- You Anthem devil you!

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign on a Norfolk farm: "Trespassers beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser. The ninth one just left."
Sign seen in London department store: "Bargain Basement Upstairs"
Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: "Closed for official opening."
Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk."
Sign in a hotel in Athens: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."
Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."
Sign in a Japanese hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
Sign in a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships: "DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE - XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS"
At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: "Belt your family. It's the law."
Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula: "Broken English spoken perfectly"
At an Applebee's restaraunt: "NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!"
Fitness Center sign: "Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts."
In restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."
On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and bridges, etc: "Rome wasn't built in a day. If it was we would have hired their contractor."
A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines: "A BUSINESS WITH NO SIGN IS A SIGN OF NO BUSINESS"
A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii: "Caution: Nuts crossing road."

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

At a restaurant in New York: "Tip-ing is not a city in China."
Here is a great sign I saw in the grocery store: "Snickers, 5 for 1.00$.(limit 4)"
On a dock in Juneau, Alaska: "Safety ladder, climb at own risk."
Seen on an electrical appliance store in Spokane, WA: "Go modern! Go gas! Go BOOM!"
Emergency Evacuation Plan posted in various places around my office building: "Run like Anything!"
Biggs Septic Tank Service (near Nashville Tennessee): "Call Monday thru Friday, sorry, we haul milk on weekends."
Sign on the wall of the office of an ethnologist: "Beware of bargains in 1. Parachutes 2. Life preservers 3. Brain surgery 4. Eye Care"
Billboard sign on a highway coming out of Austin, TX: "Nobody reads billboards.... But you just did :)"

If - H 2 O - is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
→ K 9 P