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These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign on an asphalt truck: "Let us fill your crack!"
Office sign: "Ace exterminating - we kill bugs dead, walk-ins welcome."
Sign at a muffler shop: "No muff too tough for us!"
Sign on a government issue car: "Fulton county disaster coordinator."
Sign in a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notice.
Sign seen on an electricity pylon: DANGER! "To touch these wires will result in instant death. Anyone found doing so will be severely prosecuted."
Sign in a Japanese Hotel room: In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
Sign in a Leipzig elevator: "Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

What purrs along the road and leaves holes in the lawn?
→ A Moles Royce.

What does an army general kiss under at christmas?
→ Missile toe

BONN, Germany (Reuter) -- Thousands of Germans are keeping unfortunate surnames such as Kotz (Vomit), Moerder (Murder), Brathuhn (Roast chicken) and even Hitler, even though they could legally change them, a magazine reported Sunday.

The German phonebook lists hundreds of people with the surname Faul (Lazy), Fett (Fat), Dreckmann (Filth-man), Dumm (Stupid) and Schwein (Pig), the weekly Focus magazine said in an advance release ahead of publication Monday.

Unflatteringly named Germans said that they mainly had problems with their names as children and that later in life they had decided not to bow to social pressure to change them.

"Why should I have a different name from my father and grandfather?" said one Herr Schwein.

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Man shoots neighbor with machete: The Miami Herald, July 3
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes: The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows: The New York Times, March 10
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies: The Los Angeles Times, March 2
Scientists see quakes in L.A. future: The Oregonian, January 28
Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning: The Buffalo News, February 26
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold: Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer: Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25
Economist uses theory to explain economy: Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.

WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN -- FROST FREE!
FROZEN SOFT + GENTLE BATH TISSUE - 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS
AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD.
THE MOST ROMANTIC LOVE SONGS OF THE '50s: INCLUDING "16 TONS" BY TENNESSEE ERNIE FORD
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS + BOX SPRING - $175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER + DRYER - $300.
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE... BETTER BE A REWARD.

- Knock Knock!

- Who's There?

- Dwayne.

- Dwayne Who?

- Dwayne The Bathtub and I'm Dwowning!

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves".

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament-Ears pierced"