Language Jokes — most viewed jokes

Are you harboring a fugitive?
→ Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P.
→ Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man
→ Dum Gai

Small Horse
→ Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high!!
→ No Bai Dam Thing!!

Did you go to the beach?
→ Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table
→ Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift
→ Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here
→ Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed?
→ Hao Long Wei Ting?

An unauthorized execution
→ Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet
→ Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone
→ No Pah King

You are not very bright
→ Yu So Dum

I got this for free
→ Ai No Pei

I am not guilty
→ Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer
→ Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled next week
→ Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived
→ Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight
→ Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile
→ Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive
→ Hu Man Go!

Pew! does this bathroom stink!
→ Hu Flung Dung?

What is grey and hairy and lives on a man's face?
→ A mousetache.

- My wife's gone to the West Indies.

- J'ya make'er?

- No, Barbados.

There are four guys in the park who get arrested for blowing bubbles. In the court room one guy comes in, the judge says, "who are you and what are you charged with"??

"I'm duck and i got charged for blowing bubbles in the park".

2nd one comes in, "who are you and what are you charged with"?

"I'm duck duck and i was charged for blowing bubbles in the park".

3rd one comes in. "Who are you and what were you charged with"?

"I'm duck duck duck and i was charged for blowing bubbles in the park".

4th one comes in judge says "let me guess, your duck duck duck duck, and charged for blowing bubbles in the park?"

"NO, he says...

I'm bubbles!!".

Leroy is given a homework assignment. Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences.

Here's what he handed in:

HONOR ROLL - We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL.

PLANET - I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.

DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, "DISMAY hurt a little."

OMELETTE - Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.

STAIRWAY - When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.

MOBILE - I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said, "Gimme one MOBILE."

DEFENSE - I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.

AFRO - I got so mad at my girly, AFRO a lamp at her.

AFTERMATH - I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed.

LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

DOMINEERING - My girly's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.

KENYA - I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.

DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.

DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, "DATA boy!"

COPULATE - I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said, "COPULATE!"

FASCINATE - My girly's boobs are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE!

BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is this BEWARE I get a job?"

COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst like that, and you'll be thrown out the COATROOM."

DECIDE - I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of babes on DECIDE.

Quo signo nata es?
What's your sign?

Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.
You know, the Romans invented the art of love.

O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!
Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!

Spero nos familiares mansuros.
I hope we'll still be friends.

Mellita, domi adsum.
Honey, I'm home.

Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio.
I am as dead as the nehru jacket.

Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
Go with the flow.

Totum dependeat.
Let it all hang out.

Te precor dulcissime supplex!
Pretty please with a cherry on top!

Magister Mundi sum!
I am the Master of the Universe!

Fac me cocleario vomere!
Gag me with a spoon!

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
Take my wife, please!

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Nihil est-in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui.
That's nothing-in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.

Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est.
Yes, that is a very large amount of corn.

Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!
Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.

Oblitus sum perpolire clepsydras!
I forgot to polish the clocks!

Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.

Sic faciunt omnes.
Everyone is doing it.

Vacca foeda
Stupid cow

Fac ut vivas.
Get a life.

Raptus regaliter
Royally screwed

Anulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus!
Let's all wear mood rings!

Insula Gilliganis
Gilligan's Island

What is the most popular game played by tornadoes?
→ Catch my drift

1. On a French passenger jet: Live West Under Your Seat.
2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
3. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
4. In an Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
5. In a Yugoslav hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
6. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
7. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
8. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension (???).
9. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today: no ice cream.
10. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
11. Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
12. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American.
13. At a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop you trousers here for best results.
14. At a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
15. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
16. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
17. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
18. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
19. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
20. At an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here (mmm...).
21. At a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
22. A Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
23. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.
24. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
25. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
26. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcom to it.
27. In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
28. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
29. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finder; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Why are there no phone books in China?
→ Because there are so many Wing's and Wong's, they are afraid you will Wing the Wong number.

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

March Planned For Next August
Blind Bishop Appointed To See
Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip
L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.
Diaper Market Bottoms Out
Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal"
Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest