Language Jokes — most viewed jokes

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife.

So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
→ A stick.

Why is a burning candle like being thirsty?
→ Because a little water ends both of them!

When do cannibals cook you?
→ On Fried-days.

What occurs twice in a lifetime, but only once in a year, twice in a week, but never in a day?
→ The letter "E"

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Biggish

- Biggish who?

- No Thank you!

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

- She: Do you think of me when you're away darling?

- He: Yes honey, I always bare you in mind.

With all the recent talk of cloning, you'd think it was a new thing.

But in fact, a very wealthy westerner had himself cloned many years ago. The boy grew up to have very foul mouth. The more the son swore, the madder the father got. One day, the father got so mad he pushed his son off a high cliff. The sheriff arrested him for making an obscene clone fall.