Language Jokes — most viewed jokes

At a U.N. meeting the American ambassador turned to the Japanese ambassador and whispered, "When was your last election?" The Japanese ambassador turned bright red and whispered back, "before bleakfast."

How many seconds are in a year?
→ There are 12 seconds in a year. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...

A woman gives birth to twins, a girl and a boy.

Her husband isn't there, and she doesn't want to name them without him seeing them first. But the hospital insists that the babies must be named by the end of the day. Crazy Uncle Louie overhears this and he names them (unbeknowst to the couple). Later the husband arrives, and the happy couple are set to name the babies when a nurse informs them that Uncle Louie already took care of that. "Oh no!" they cry. "He's crazy and doesn't know what he's doing. What names did he pick?" The nurse says, "Well, he named the girl Deniece." "Whew, not bad. In fact, that's nice.

And how about the boy?" "Denephew."

A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter "R," and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: "Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare."

In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud. The boy nervously eyed his classmates -- many of them already laughing at him -- then replied, "Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough."

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

The Spicy Sausage by Delia Katessen

A man was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had anything to say in his defense. "They shouldn't put up such misleading notices," said the man. "It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE."

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

- Ever have an accident?

- Nope, nary a one.

- None? You've never had any accidents.

- Nope. Ain't never had one. Never.

- Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?

- Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.

Aches and Pains by Arthur Ritis