Golf Jokes — most viewed jokes

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin." The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, held together with surgical wire. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He pulls down his pants, whips out his splinted cock and says, "Look at this beauty, it's still in the CRATE!"

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"

Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one," said Bob.

"Good Lord," said David, "you haven't got a chance of hitting her from here."

Two friends, Fred and Harry were golfing one fine day.

Toward the end of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods.

Harry, laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond where Fred has hit his.

Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute.

Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball.

Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch smashing the weeds to pieces.

All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?! Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life... better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

Then POOF!...she was gone.

After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!.... Harry!...where are you?"

Harry yells, "I hit my ball in these damn pussywillows!"

Fred screams back..... "DON'T SWING! FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SWING!"

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

God and Moses were out golfing. They were both doing well. Then they came up to the 5th hole. It was a dogleg to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and hit a long shot with a little hook. Right in the middle of the fairway. Then God got up and pulled out his driver. Then Moses said, "God, everytime you use you driver you always slice it." So God said, "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it." So he approched the ball. Got ready, then hit a long one. It drifted to the right, SPLISH! Right in the middle of the lake. So Moses said, "See God, I told you that would happen. I'll get it this time but you'll have to get it next time." So Moses went out to the lake, held up his club, and parted the lake. Then he went down, picked up the ball, and came back.

After that, everything was going fine. Until the 18th hole, straight away, with a long lake on the right. Moses hit a nice straight shot down the fairway. Then God took out his driver. Moses said, "God, last time you used your driver you sliced it. You always slice it." And God repeated, "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it." So he got up, and hit the ball. Long hard shot, sliced, PLUNK! Moses said, "I got the last one." So God walked on the water, bent over, picked up the ball.

About this time there was a foursome coming up behind them. One if the guys saw what God was doing and asked Moses, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?" Moses replied, "No. He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.

The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.

• Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.
• Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.
• Owner of the course must approve the equipment before may begin.
• For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.
• Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course.
• Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.
• The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.
• It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention being given to the well formed bunkers.
• Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played or currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
• Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
• Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
• Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
• Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.
• It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
• The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.
• Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday.
During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

- First Guy: Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

- Second Guy: That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.

- Third Guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

- Fourth Guy: I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday.

- Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?

- Well, I suppose so.

- Would you and he sleep in the same bed?

- I guess we would.

- Would you make love to him?

- He would be my husband then, dear.

- Would you give him my golf clubs?

- No...

He's left handed.