Farming Jokes — most viewed jokes

Farmer Brown had been screwing one of his pigs for 5 years, when all of a sudden he was hit by pangs of conscience.

It bothered him so much that he decided that he just had to tell his priest about it in confession.

The priest was shocked and could only say to Farmer Brown, "Well, was the pig a male or a female?"

"A female, of course," shouted Farmer Brown! "What do you think I am...some sort of queer?"

If it took six pigs two hours to eat the apples in the orchard, how many hours would it take three pigs?
→ None, because the six pigs have already eaten them all.

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon me madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."

"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?"

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like thts" as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

"Oh no, you horrible man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like before you hit him?"

At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed "Agggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!"

A farm boy was drafted. On his first furlough, his Father asked him what he thought of Army life.

"It's pretty good Pa. The food's not bad, the work's easy but best of all, they let ya sleep real late in the morning."

One day, a man went to a nearby farm to buy some of the animals that were for sale there.

He walked up to the farmer and said, "Hey, that's a nice donkey you got there. I think I'll take it."

The farmer replied, "That's not a donkey, that's an ass."

So, the man said, "Okay, then, I'll take the ass." Then he walked over to the chicken coup and said, "I like that chicken. I'll take it too."

The farmer replied, "That is a pullet."

So the man said, "Okay, I'll take the pullet."

He was looking at a rooster and said, "Well, I guess I'll take the rooster, too."

The farmer replied, "That's not a rooster, it's a cock."

So they load the pullet and the cock into the back of the man's truck and tie the ass to the back. The man then pays the farmer as the farmer tells him, "Now, sometimes the ass gets a little stubborn and he stops. All you have to do is get out and scratch his back, and he'll go again."

So the man drives away. All of a sudden, the ass stops, and the pullet and the cock fly out of the back. The man is trying to get them back when a woman comes out and says, "Can I help you?"

The man replies, "Yeah, could you grab my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"

How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
→ They trod on his corn.

This one big lawyer from the city decided to take time away from his busy day and went out to the farm and shot a duck.

The farmer walks out Of his building upon hearing the shot and screams at the city guy - "HEY You Cant shoot that duck on my property. That duck belongs to me. Hand it over!" The city guy says, 'Hell no I shot him so I get to keep him!'

The farmer and the city boy decide to settle it country style (which is to kick each other in the nuts till the other one falls over) So the farmer goes first and slams the city boy a nice hard stiff kick. Upon receiving the kick, the city boy damn near colllapses from the pain.

The city boy regains his balance And studders "Its my turn" The famer looks at him and says - "aw Hell, keep the damn duck!"

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."

"Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I as driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

Farmer Giles is so interested in conserving energy, he built a pig-powered car.
He has to get rid of it, though. Every time he turns a corner, the tires squeal

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear.
The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."