Ethnic — most viewed jokes

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following: "Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more."

"You fowl-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

Did you hear about the Polish guy that locked his keys in his car?
→ Took him an hour using a coat hanger to get his family out.

Why do Polish dogs have flat noses?
→ From chasing parked cars.

What did the Polish mother say when her daughter said she was pregnant?
→ "Are you sure it's yours?"

You go to a cockfight. How can you identify the Polish guy?
→ He's the one with a duck.

How do you know if an Italian is there?
→ He bet on the duck.

How do you know if the Mafia is there?
→ The duck wins.

In Poland's largest shopping mall, there was a terrible power outage. People were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours!

A 12-year-old boy walks up to his Polish neighbor and says, "I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw you and your wife naked! Nyah, nyah, nyah."

The guy answers, "The joke's on you, Johnny...

Nyah, nyah, nyah--I wasn't even home last night!"

How do you keep a Polak in suspense?

Why do they have so much trouble with the phone systems in China?
→ Because there are so many Wings and so many Wongs that someone's always Winging the Wong number.

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
→ Ilene

What do you call a Chinese girl with one leg shorter than the other?
→ Irene

The following took place at an international conference for women's rights. The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." (The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well." (The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, a Jamaican lady, stood up and said, "After lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself." (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).

She continued........................... "Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye."

Two polish guys walk into a bar and sit down on the stools. All of a sudden, they start masturbating furiously, until the bar owner comes along and screams, "HEY, what the FUCK are you guys doing?!".. and one of the guys says, "the sign says: FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE"

Two Polaks are walking down opposite sides of a river when they notice each other. One invites the other one over. "I can't swim", he replies. "Why don't you come over here?"

The other guy says, "I can't swim, either. What are we gonna do?"

First guy says, "Wait! I got a flashlight. I'll turn it on, and you walk across the beam to this side."

The second guy replies, "No way! I'll get half-way across, and you'll turn the flashlight off!"

Monday

• 8:00 Husseinfeld
• 8:30 Mad About Everything
• 9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
• 9:30 Allah McBeal

Tuesday

• 8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
• 8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
• 9:30 No-witness News

Wednesday

• 8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
• 8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy
• 9:00 Judge Saddam
• 9:30 (edited)

Thursday

• 8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi
• 8:30 Achmed's Creek
• 9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
• 9:30 My Two Baghdads

Friday

• 8:00 Just Shoot Me
• 8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
• 9:00 M*U*S*T* A*S*H
• 9:30 Veilwatch

The Rabbi rose with a red face...

"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community."

No one moved.

The Rabbi continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!"

Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan... I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that - get off the bike!"

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.

He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about.....

I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."