Elderly Jokes — most viewed jokes

• You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
• The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car—in the "ten items or less" lane.
• You've stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
• You've found yourself discussing rain gutters.
• You remember your kid's names, just not always the right one.
• You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.
• Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.
• You buy "age-defying" makeup and "antiwrinkle" creams and believe they work.
• You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
• You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak.
• As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.
• You've had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic—for the last time in a generation.
• You'd pay good money to be strip-searched.
• Wal-Mart and target seem to share your fashion sense.
• The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.
• You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag—in less than five minutes.
• You know what Earth Shoes are.
• You think if you hear "Stairway to Heaven" one more time your head will explode.
• Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.
• On Saturday night, when your wife mentions "hot oil, a little friction, and squealing," you tell her you'll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning.

On her annual visit to another planet, an old lady turns to the cabin steward and says, "I hope this spaceship doesn't travel faster than sound."

"Why?" replies the cabin steward.

"Because my friend and I want to talk, that's why."

An old woman saved a Fairy's life. To repay this, the Fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.

For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful.

For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.

For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth.

The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes.

After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?!!!"

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....

"Well, OK...but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"

- Grandma, why don't you drink tea anymore?

- I don't like it ever since that tea bag got stuck in my throat.

One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!"

So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck."

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.

"Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

Two old men were sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat. "How are you, Richard?" asked George.
"I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly exhausted," replied Richard. "I've pulled a muscle, and it's killing me."
"I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said George.

Richard yawned and said, "Well, it does if you pull it a hundred times in one night."

- Grandma, is it exciting being 99?

- It certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.

This old geezer of 78 marries a girl of 18. The morning after the wedding night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face.

"What's the matter, dear?" asks the woman at the front desk.

"Well," sniffed the girl, "He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, and I thought he meant his money!"