Dumb Jokes — most viewed jokes

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.

The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!" The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says, "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?" The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"

Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks."

The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."

"No. Those are deer tracks."

They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.

• Gets his orders from another planet.
• Gets hypnotized on the de-spun section.
• Gets parity errors under load.
• Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain't got no cattle.
• Goalie for the dart team.
• God might still use him for miracle practice.
• God's favorite target for lightning strikes.
• Goes with the flow... He's a bed wetter.
• Good at quantum tunneling but not much else.
• Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.
• Got his brains as a stocking stuffer.
• Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
• Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.
• Gyros are loose.
• Habits explainable if he was raised by wolves.
• Had a head crash.
• Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain
• Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton.
• Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse.
• Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether.
• Has a bus fault problem.
• Has a few wait states.
• Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.
• Has a leak in his ceiling.
• Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
• Has a pulse, but that's about all.
• Has a random memory fault.
• Has a slow clock.
• Has a sparse matrix. (Beware, "matrix" comes from the Latin "womb".)
• Has a two-bit operating system.

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."

The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Polak is there?
→ He's the one with a duck.

These two Polaks are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.

He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end."

The buddy gets exasperated and says... "You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!"

These two newfies are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.

He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end." The buddy gets exasperated and says, "You idiot, those nails are for the other side of the house!"

• Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
• Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.
• Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.
• Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
• Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
• Doesn't just know nothing doesn't even suspect much.
• Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
• Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
• Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
• Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
• Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
• Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.
• Downhill skiing in Iowa.
• Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
• Driving at night with the lights off.
• Driving with two wheels in the sand.
• Dropped his second stage too soon.
• Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a mud fence / a stump / a sack of hammers.
• Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks.
• During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
• Ears are redirected to /dev/null.
• Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
• Echoes between the ears.
• Eight pawns short of a gambit.
• Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse.
• Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open.
• Elevator is on the ground floor and he's pushing the Down button.
• End of season sale at the cerebral department. -- Gareth Blackstock
• Enjoys listening to telemarketers.
• Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant.

- Caller: Operator! Operator! Call me an ambulance!

- Operator: Okay. You're an ambulance!

Why don't Polish people kill frogs?
→ Because it's their national bird.