Dumb Jokes — most viewed jokes

A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box. She keeps doing this until her neighbour asks her why she is doing that. The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that i've got mail".

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down.

He demands, "What's so funny?"

She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

1. Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.
2. Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today.
3. Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
4. Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
5. Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.
6. Hit strangers with your flutter board.
7. Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.
8. Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, "Oh yeah.. oooh that feels soooo good.."
9. Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.
10. Swim near someone and go "Shoot! I knew I shouldn't have had so much lemonade before I came here."
11. Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
12. Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say "HA HA, fooled you!"
13. Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.
14. Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.
15. Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.
16. Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.
17. Try to negotiate the price of getting in.
18. Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.
19. When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.
20. Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say "Wheee! I'm Batman!" while running around.
21. Hit strangers with your wet towel.
22. Throw people's things into the pool.
23. Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.
24. Play Marco-Polo by yourself.
25. Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

A man is walking along the road, when he hears someone shouting "Twelve! Twelve!" over a fence.

As he walks closer to the fence, they start shouting "Thirteen! Thirteen!"

Curious, the man looks through a gap in the fence. Suddenly he's poked in the eye by a man on the other side, and as he lies there, clutching his head, the man hears "Fourteen! Fourteen!"

A guy walks into a gun shop to buy a gun.

"Can I help you sir?" asked the shopkeeper.

Ah, yes... I want to buy a .44 Magnum please.

The shopkeeper informs the man that the .44 is a very powerful gun, and asks the customer what he's going to use it for.

The man replies, "I want to shoot cans!"

What? Cans! You don't need a .44 to shoot cans sir, a much smaller gun would do, advised the shopkeeper.

The customer has enough and finally says, "Shut up and give me the dang .44 Mag... I want to shoot AmeriCans, MexiCans, and AfriCans!

Computers manufacturer is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

How many polish people does it take to milk a cow?
→ 9, four to hold the legs, four to hold the udders, and one to tell them when to move the cow up and down.

A Polak is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggrevation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So the Polak takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?", the Polak asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day", the Polak tells himself.

So, the next morning the Polak gets up at 4 in the morning and cuts, and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and he only manages to cut five cords.

The Polak is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer", the Polak says to himself.

The very next day the Polak brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the Polak's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Huh, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the Polak responds, "What's that noise?"

A not so bright guy got a job in a factory and "the boys" soon befriended him. Just before lunch one day a fellow worker came up to him and said, "You notice how the boss has been leaving work early for lunch and comes back late the past few weeks? Well, I've been going home and spending time with my wife. You oughta try it."

So our young friend snuck home, but as he entered his apartment, he could hear his wife and a man in his bedroom. Sneaking a peak into his bedroom, he caught his wife, with his BOSS in bed. Turning around, he quietly left the apartment and returned to work before his boss got back.

The next day, after the boss left, his friend nudged him and said, "I guess thats my cue! You gonna sneak home again today?"

To which our young friend replied, "Nah, I better not! I almost got caught yesterday!"

What's better than winning 4 gold medals at the special olympics?
→ Not being retarded!