Drunks — most viewed jokes

What is the difference between men and pigs?
→ Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.

- Judge: What were you doing?

- 1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.

- Judge: And what were you doing?

- 2nd man: I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too.

- Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?

- 3rd man: No, sir. I AM Peanuts!

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge?
→ They are for those who don't drink!

A redneck was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client.

"Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury box and honestly believe that if my client had ANY whiskey he would sell it?"

An old drunk stumbles into a confessional.
After not hearing anything for a while the Priest knocked on the wall. The drunk said forget it buddy there's no paper in here either.

How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first.
→ Two - one to say "She'll be right mate" and one to fetch the beers.
→ 16. One to change the bulb and 15 to say "Good on yer, mate!"

starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get

Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up

Mrs. Caroline Squires of Cincinnati filed for a divorce from her husband in 1949 on grounds of desertion. She testified he'd stepped out "for a beer" on the Fourth of July, 1917, and had never come back.

- Outraged wife: Couldn't you think of anything better than coming home drunk like this?

- Husband: Yes, but she was out of town!