Random joke from this category
Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly bleeding.
The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?"
The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."
A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool. The man picks up the guy and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off again. This time he picks the guy up and asks, "Where do you live?"
Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the guy's house, the man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3 times before getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell and the guy's wife comes to the door. The man says, "Hello, I've brought your husband home."
The wife looks at the man and asks, "Where's his wheel chair?"
John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned."
Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
→ I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
A young man walks up and sits at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots! Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blow job."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
Yesterday, after extensive testing, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones... yes, it's true.
To prove their theory, the scientists had 100 men consume 12 bottles of beer.
They then observed that 100% of them:
No further testing is planned.
Ever hear the expression "hard drinker"? Never made much sense to me, drinking's one of the easiest things in the world to do.
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.
Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
→ What for? He can't see my license plate.
Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
→ The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
When driving through fog, what should you use?
→ Your car.
How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
→ Be too shit-faced to find your keys.
What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
→ I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
→ I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
→ Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
→ The color.
How do you deal with heavy traffic?
→ Heavy psychedelics.
What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
→ Carry loaded weapons.
Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
→ It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.
