Drunks — most viewed jokes

A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when confronted by a room full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer.

He asks a nearby demon if this is really hell, and what was so bad about the place.

"Well," said the demon, "the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and the blondes don't!"

After each question, your say: "Rubber Jugs and Liquor".

What did you have for breakfast?
→ Rubber Jugs and Liquor!

What did you have for lunch?
→ Rubber Jugs and Liquor!

What did you have for supper?
→ Rubber Jugs and Liquor!

What would you do if you saw a hot chick walking down the street?
→ hee-hee hoo-hoo haa-haa!

"Didja hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!"

"Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!"

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar.
Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

10 signs Santa has been drinking:

• While your child is on his lap, he tells them they're not getting his Bud Light.
• You see his sleigh pulled over and the police with a breathlyzer.
• Those darn milk and cookies never worked but the Jack Daniels does!
• You don't remember getting a request for venison in your stocking.
• Betty Ford releases him on December 24th.
• After each child, he has a Jello Shot.
• This year the sleigh is being pulled by the Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull.
• He jumps down a manhole and then gets angry when he can't find the tree.
• Instead of going Onward, Dancer and Prancer...he just grumbles and says "Awww...just get going!"

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"

- A mongoose.

- What for?

- Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection.

"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."

"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket. he does this over and over again. finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks into his pocket. the man responded " i have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."

Man goes to the bar and says "bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka." The bartender says "Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that." The man says "Just pour them."

The man takes the first shot and the bartender says "Hey, you want to talk about it"? The man says "No!" and drinks the next 2 shots.

The bartender says "Come on and tell me about it I've got a good ear, that's why a lot of people come here for, to tell their troubles."

The man by then has finished the 7 shots and says "Ok, today was my first blowjob." The bartender says "Hey great, have another on the house."

The man says "No, if 7 doesn't get the taste out, nothing will!"

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.