Random joke from this category
A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door. "Out drinking again!?" she says.
"How much money did you spend this time?" "$100," answers the man. "$100!" she shouts.
"That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night!" "Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke, you don't drink, and you have your own pussy."
Hoffman and Puscas are bombed, watching the St. Patrick's Day Parade, when one of them drops his lit cigarette into a damp mattress that's been left out on the sidewalk.
The mattress starts to smoulder just as the blue-hair brigade, the Ladies' Auxiliary, is passing by. Hoffman takes a whiff, turns to Puscas, and says, "Man... you think maybe they're marching these ladies too fast?"
A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
His wife wakes up and asks, "What the hell was that?"
He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."
She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.
He yells at her, "What was that?"
She replies "Touchdown, tie score."
Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.
The wife asks, "Now what the hell was that?"
He replied, "Half time, switch sides."
A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
A guy walked into a bar and said "Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender." But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up. The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay. Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!" The bartender said "Why?" The guy replied "You're violent when you're drunk!"
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
Beer and the quotes it has helped create over the years...
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. -- Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. -- William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. -- Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. -- Ernest Hemingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -- Dean Martin
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. -- Anonymous
No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink. -- G.K. Chesterton
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. -- Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. -- Ambrose Bierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. -- Anonymous
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls. -- Ross Levy
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? -- W.C. Fields
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder. -- Anonymous
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. -- David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. -- Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -- Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. -- Michelle Mastrolacasa
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. -- Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? -- Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven... -- Brian O'Rourke
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. -- Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. -- Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer. -- Plato
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -- Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. -- Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. -- Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. -- Humphrey Bogart
Why is Australian beer served cold?
→ So you can tell it from urine. -- David Moulton
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. -- Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. -- Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
I drink to make other people interesting. -- George Jean Nathan
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. -- Homer Simpson
Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day there's an accident.
Pat calls Mike's wife, Mary, and says: "Sure, and I hate to be tellin ya this, but there's been an accident down at the Guinness."
"Saints Preserve us," says she, "is Mike alright?"
Pat responds, "I'd like to tell ya that, but it'd be a lie!"
"Ya don't mean that me Mike's been hurt?" says Mary.
"Sure, an it's worse than that," says Pat, "he's fallen inta the beer vat and drowned!"
"Oh, well" says Mary, "At least it was quick, ya know he couldn't swim a lick!"
"Oh, I wish I could be tellin ya that," says Pat, "but it's be a lie. He got out three times ta pee!"
The angry wife met her husband at the door. His breath stunk of alcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick. "I assume," she barked, "there is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is!" he replied, "Breakfast."
