Doctor Jokes — most viewed jokes

Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.

Proctologist: A brain surgeon for lawyers.

Proctologist: the rare profession in which the M.D. starts out at the bottom and stays there.

- Doctor, Doctor, I keep dreaming of bats, creepy-crawlies, demons, ghosts, monsters, vampires, werewolves and yetis.

- Doctor: How interesting. Do you always dream in alphabetical order?

Guy goes to the doctor to get the results of a health check.

- I've got good news and bad news, which do you want first?

- Good news first.

- OK, You got 24 hours to live

- Dang, whats the bad news!

- I shoulda' told you yesterday!

What did the blonde say when the docter told her one leg was bigger than the other?
→ Like, Not even!

A doctor tells his patient - "I've got some good news and I've got some bad news for you". So, the patient asks, "What's the good news, Doc?"

And the doctor says, "They're going to name a disease after you!"

- I have some bad news and some very bad news.

- Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

- The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

- 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

- I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:

- Doctor: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear.

- Lady: ?eh?

- Doctor: Madam - You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!

- Lady: ?? EH??

- Doctor: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! --A SUPPOSITORY!!!

- Lady: Oh, thank Goodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid!

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?" At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Come on, nurse!!!... I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"

A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over!"

"What do you mean?" said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts!"

The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why yes," she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger."

- Doctor, doctor, can you give me something for my baldness?

- How about a few pounds of pig manure?

- Will that cure my baldness?

- No, but with that on your head no one will come near enough to notice you're bald.