Doctor Jokes — most viewed jokes

Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God.

A man wakes up in a hospital bed after a terrible accident and cries, "DOC, DOC... I can't feel my legs, I can't feel my legs!!!"

"Well of course you can't silly!" replies the Doc... "I've cut off both of your arms."

A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open. "You must have made a mistake" says the shocked dentist, "The gynecologist's office is one level higher." To that the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out."

A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?"

Mr. Johnson replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door."

The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers.

The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on..."

Mrs. Johnson yells, "Steven! Daddy's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce a sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty. "What's the problem?" asks the doctor. "Well," says the old man, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she tried it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still can't get the lid off the bloody bottle."

- Doctor, doctor, I keep dreaming there are great, gooey, bug-eyed monsters playing tiddley winks under my bed. What shall I do?

- Hide the tiddley winks.

While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students. "As you can see," he says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched." The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, "What would you do in a case like this?"

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp, too."

Fred came rushing in to his Dad. "Dad!" he puffed, "is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?"

"That's what they say," said his Dad.
"Well, give me an apple quick? I've just broken the doctor's window!"

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.

- Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!

- Nurse: What is it?

- Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

Three doctors died and went to the Pearly Gates to be interviewed to see where they would end up. St. Peter asked the first one what he did on earth, and he said he was an obstetrician. St. Peter asked what an obstetrician did and the doc told him.

"Sounds pretty good; okay you can go in to Heaven."

The second doc said he was a pediatrician and had to explain what that involved. St. Peter said, "Sounds very useful, very good--you can go in too."

The third doc said he was the chief man in charge of a whole HMO conglomerate.

"Well, what's that?" asked St. Peter.

So the doc told him exactly what that involved.

"Sounds very important, very useful. You can go in too."

So the third doc goes in the Gates and starts to walk up the stairs. St. Peter turns and calls after him, "Oh, by the way, you can only stay three days."