Computer Jokes — most viewed jokes

Who writes hit musicals on the Internet?
→ Andrew Lloyd Webber.

What should you do if you get lots of e-mails saying, 'What's up, Doc? What's up, Doc?'
→ Check for bugs in your system.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Only one but the light bulb must want to change!

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.

Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage."

"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day."

"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."

- Have you seen www.square.com?

- No, I haven't got around to it.

New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies...

• I will try to figure out why I really need 9 e-mail addresses.
• I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).
• I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
• I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
• I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
• I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week... okay, monthly then...or maybe...
• I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
• When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support."
• When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
• I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
• I will think of a password other than "password."
• I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.
• I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er...
• I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

- Have you seen www.blottingpaper.com?

- Yes, I found it very absorbing.

1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off.
2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY?
3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside?
4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to upset us! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your buddy list, OK?
5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up and go read a good book?!
6. You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members names?
7. You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain on-line?
8. You have been on-line for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord!
9. You have been on-line for 852 minutes. Do you KNOW how many hours that is??
10. You have been on-line for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day, due to busy phone lines? PLEASE sign-off, to reduce these averages, or go to KEYWORD: Class Action to join a lawsuit.
11. You have been on-line for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, they didn't think you would take it LITERALLY! So get OFF, before we go broke!
12. You have been on-line for 1013 minutes. This is Steve Case, I need to sign-on myself and answer some mail. Could you PLEASE sign-off?
13. You have been on-line for 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? GEEZE get off already!
14. You have been on-line 1151 minutes. WELCOME TO THE TEAM... See job application enclosed!

Why are elephants no good at Net surfing?
→ Because they're scared of the mouse.

- You're a big internet fan, arn't you?

- Yes, I really get a buzz out of it!