Computer Jokes — most viewed jokes

MACINTOSH stands for...

Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs.

If the NSA made toasters...

Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

President Yeltsin, President Clinton and Bill Gates are invited to have dinner with God. During dinner He tells them: "I needed three important people to send my message out to all the people: Tomorrow I will destroy the Earth."

Yeltsin immediately calls together his cabinet and announces: "I have two really bad news items. God really exists, and tomorrow he will destroy the earth."

Clinton calls an emergency meeting of congress and announces: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is God really does exist; the bad news is tomorrow he's destroying the Earth."

Gates goes back to Microsoft and tells his employees: "I have two pieces of great news. First, I am one of the three most important people on earth, and second, I think I've got the Y2K problem fixed."

Why do church bells never send e-mails?
→ They'd rather give each other a ring.

What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?
→ The space bar.

Computer scientists hunt elephants using algorithm A:

1. Go to Africa
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately East and West.
4. During each traverse

• a. Catch each animal seen
• b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
• c. Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland"

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy--although
My boss let me go--
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me,
Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!

How many Bill Gates does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ One - he puts it in the socket and lets the world revolve around him.

If Radio Shack made toasters...

The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. You would be able to buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Timex made toasters...

They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.